Losses are part of life. We lose friends as we leave high school, college, move, get married, family passes on, etc.
Losses are also part of life during and after workplace abuse. So far, I've lost two jobs, in 2005 and 2011 respectively, due to workplace abuse along with all the accompanying relationships - and pay checks - associated with them. Being walked out the door (2005) after workplace abuse #1and leaving after a shift and not coming back due to a stress breakdown (2011) in the midst of workplace abuse situation #2 just doesn't lend itself to saying goodbye or keeping relationships.
There's just too much garbage, not to mention stigma for people in these situations to feel comfortable with the bullied worker. I was told after the 2005 incident that my former co-workers had actually been told that having anything to do with me was not in their best interests job wise.
Let's be realistic, if you have a choice between standing up for a beleaguered, bullied co-worker and supporting your family, it's a no brainer. Unless you're a really special person.
I also lost two churches during that time period - and those relationships. The first was after the first workplace bullying ended badly in 2005. I did not know it was bullying. I did not know I had PTSD and trauma. I only knew that something was very wrong and I couldn't seem to get past it no matter what I tried. My counsellor at that time was not helping in the healing. In fact, I often felt like I needed a counselling session after the counselling session to deal with the counselling situation. Eventually, I threw my Bible on the floor in the church library where I was volunteering.
I advise you not to do that. The repercussions were nasty.
Churches/Pastors simply do not understand PTSD and trauma. They are not equipped - or inclined - to deal with it even when it's starring them in the face.
My (now former) pastor landed on my doorstep mere hours after I threw that Bible. Extremely angry. Condemnation in abundance. Compassion nil. I never returned to that church. I felt stigmatized. That everyone knew I had thrown my Bible. I felt I had a big BT (Bible Thrower) emblazoned over my head for everyone to see.
In neither of the above incidents did I take the time to grieve. After the bad ending of the first workplace bullying incident, I was re-employed in three weeks - which was good in a way and bad in another way.
I still had all that garbage. I still felt as though I were a bad person because that's what workplace bullying does. It attacks you where you live. At the very core of your self esteem.
As we know now, the new job while starting out well, changed as a big fish took over the company and ended up in four years of increasingly escalating bullying. Again aimed at the very core of Who. I. Am.
I didn't take time to grieve the loss of my church either. We took a couple of Sundays off and then started attending another another church. We were there for seven years when things went south again after my mother died and I was still struggling with the after effects of workplace bullying #2 which had changed my life dramatically along with the death of my mother.
Churches simply do not understand PTSD and trauma. If it was a physical, life threatening illness such as a car accident, heart attack, whatever, the church would be there in spades. Emotional? They just don't get it. It takes time spent with the person to get it and they don't want to spend the time needed to get it.
Sooooo ...
i have another loss in my life. This time a volunteer position which meant a lot to me. Which helped me a lot in my journey of recovery.
One big difference between the two workplace bullying situations and this one: while it may not have been fair (to hold me responsible for a cat biting me), it was not personal. It had nothing to do with my personality or what people thought of me. It was simply the way that the volunteer manager thinks. The shelter is for the cats, not the volunteers. The cat has to go on a mandatory 10 day quarantine which puts it out of circulation for those 10 days.
Another difference: 11 and counting years of recovery.
Initially every part of me wanted to protest. To get them to right the wrong. But I held back.
Every part of me wanted to look things up and find out what other shelters' policy for "after the bite" are. But I held back.
I wanted to look into other volunteer positions especially in other shelters to fill the void. But I held back.
Why?
Because this isn't the time for action. This is the time for grieving the loss. For taking the time to allow myself to feel. Even if feeling is hard because grieving involves hurting feelings.
Yet, it's all part of recovery.
Sometimes getting up one more time than you feel down needs to be delayed.
Not forever.
Just long enough to grieve the loss.
Then, it will be time to get up again.
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