Recovery Post Workplace Abuse: The First Stress Breakdown Part 1

Fast forward approximately eight months from my last post.  Factor in that nothing in my situation changed for the positive in that intervening time. The strategy "the best defense is a good offense" i.e. cutting the opponent off at the pass, giving them no long to stand on became more and more pervasive.  I never knew where the next assault would come from (meaning which of my co-workers) or what would provoke it.  After all by the end there were four major bullies and a host of bystanders who had become involved.

This lack of predictability caused stress.  A lot of it.

I liken my experience with the build up of stress to the analogy of the frog in the pan of water which gradually gets hotter and hotter until the frog boils to death.  He could have jumped out at any time but the gradualness of the heat increase from tolerable to intolerable caused him to not realize he was in mortal danger.

And so it was with me.

As I said in the last post:  It doesn't have to be true; it simply has to be believable. 

They were very good at that and at conveying their point of view convincingly to others in the workplace.  The wagons not only kept circling but increasingly tightening the circle.

*****

What did my own "ground zero" look like?  What did it look like?  How did it happen?

It looked looked like any other day at the workplace.   Working in isolation even though there were several others in my small office.  Not only was I isolated from office chit chat but also from work-related communication that I needed in order to do my job.  Or to transmit to others in order for us to work together as a whole and do ours jobs - which is called teamwork.  There was a team but I was not included in it.

*****

In order to better set the stage, as I've mentioned throughout my narratives that our small(er) (though still sizeable fish) had been gobbled up by a much larger, multi million dollars conglomerate several years earlier.  Going back to the above related frog analogy, the take over company made changes slowly and gradually.  Eliminating this position.  Packaging out this employee.  Hiring their own personnel who suited their philosophy of business better.  Etc.

In this particular incident, the company had let go our long time, long haul carriers and had hired a new company.  Which they had every right to do.

But as with anything new, there are going to be some glitches.  The most pressing for me being paperwork.

*****

My shift had ended.  A new one was beginning.

As usual, the nighttime dispatcher was present and the person who was to relieve me was not.  Which was par for the course.  Therefore, there were only the two of us in the office, the night time dispatcher and myself.

To my surprise (ok astonishment), the dispatcher started a conversation with me about the paperwork for a particular set of loads.  It was something I really needed - and wanted - to know as no one would advise me although I had asked for updated information on any new procedures.  Remember I was the one creating the paperwork.  Apparently, I had been creating some paperwork unnecessarily since this new carrier was not stopping by our office for these particular loads but going directly to another facility in another city to pick up the loads and get the paperwork from there.

Since as I've mentioned in the prologue, communication was nil to nonexistent, I was like the proverbial stray dog eagerly wagging its tail in appreciation of the bone the master was offering.

I expressed appreciation for the information and that I was glad she had shared it with me as I had been wanting that information.  So far, so good.

Then, she abruptly switched and said that there had been an email sent to all of us about this.  I remembered an email but not that it gave us that particular nugget of information.  She then went on her computer to find the email and prove her point.  As I'd already logged off and shut down my computer and didn't feel inclined to re-log on as my shift had already ended, I migrated over to her work station to look over her shoulder which apparently upset her.  As I tried to focus my eyes on the email, she switched screens which was frustrating to me as my eyes do not focus quickly.  She started getting loud and angry saying I was crowding her.  It turns out that the email did not prove her point.  It was about something else entirely.

I was frustrated to.  I could not understand why the dispatcher initiated this conversation only to get irritated and put the brakes on.  This kind of interaction had occurred previously.

In the end, she was standing near the middle of our small office waving her arms.  I can't remember if she was saying any words or not and if so, what they were.

I do remember the arms waving.

I put on my outer wear (it being winter) and as I was leaving I said, "I'm sorry.  You hurt me.  I'm sorry.  Good bye."  And left.

As I left, I wondered why I had bothered to say "I'm sorry" not once but twice as I didn't feel that I had anything to be sorry for.  But hey! I'm Canadian and we're sorry for everything. (Canadian sense of humour here).

I didn't think anything more about it ...

... UNTIL ...

at 8:20 the next morning, my phone rang.  It was my supervisor.  Apparently, the dispatcher had sent her an email complaining about the occurrence the night before. Her complaint as I remember was that I had crowded her. I spent approximately an hour with my supervisor on the phone explaining things.

One thing the supervisor said that struck me as odd was "How do you think I feel when I get an email like this?"

I thought that was odd because I thought the question should rather be "How does Suzanne feel when this happens?"

Another question which genuinely puzzled me:  "Were you going to report this?"

Going back to "the best defence is a good offence", I'd been the recipient more than once of something happening with one or the other of these co-workers of which there were four in number which would then be reported to my supervisor.  Since cutting me off at the pass by reporting their version of events had become a dynamic in the workplace, I had started relaying to my supervisor things which I thought might come back to kick my in the posterior.  My motive was to protect myself from frivolous or twisted allegations.

Oops!

This strategy not only failed miserably to protect me but came back to kick me in the posterior!

*****

I've read various blogs which are like reading a book in it's entirety on screen in one sitting.  My attention span doesn't last that long.  No matter how compelling the story.  No matter how interesting.  No matter how much I want to read to the end, I can't.  My concentration simply doesn't last that long.  Neither do a lot of people's.  For that reason, I'm going to write this in instalments putting it in bite-sized pieces to chew on, to think on, to reread.