Today on the Journey

Today ....

I've written several posts recently about "today".  How each day has potential.  Each day is different.

In this post, we are really talking about "today" as in the day that is just beginning as I'm writing this post to publish as soon as it's done.

Today, I woke up weak and shaky.  It's not all that uncommon but at this point in the journey towards recovery both physical and emotional, it's not all that common either.

This is where I put my frownie, unhappy face.

Yet, this is also where I sit back a bit and analyze.  What am I capable of doing today?

I have a to-do list - in my mind.  What should I keep?  What should I dismiss or put on the back burner to see if I'm physically capable of doing it later?

This is often a big question with me.  If I schedule something like meeting up with a friend to knit and pet her dog, will I be physically able of doing it on that given day at that given time?

I hate to disappoint people.

So today, I don't have all that much on my agenda.  We're babysitting the grands tomorrow so I need to make something in the crockpot for easy meal preparation when we're there.  That can (for now) be put on the back burner.  Perhaps hubby can help me with it tonight when he's home.

I need to do the weekly grocery shopping one day earlier than normal.  Again, can I do that?

As I write this at the beginning of my day, that is the BIG question:  can I do this?  What will happen to me physically/emotionally if I try?  What will I do afterwards if the chronic symptoms either kick in or get worse than they are?

In the years that I've been on this journey, I've developed some coping mechanisms.  Hubby has taught me that I can always  make a 180 and leave.  If things just are not working out, if I'm getting anxious, if my mind is starting to go bonkers, I have the right to give myself permission to stop, go home, and try again another time - without feeling guilty.  Without castigating myself.  Without telling myself that I'm an awful, horrible excuse for a human bean.

I also have the option of being gentle on myself.  To just do the bare minimum and to not fault myself that I'm not able at that given time to do more.  To do myself not only that it's ok but that I'm ok.  To remind myself of how far I've come on the journey. 

I also have the option of once I do get home back home, my base camp on the road to recovery, to just simply rest.  I've learned that rest is good, very good.  Sometimes I'm able to read while I rest.  Sometimes not.  To simply listen to my body and do what it's telling me is the best thing.  Perhaps to put on nice restful music.  Or to spray the air with lavender scent for calming purposes.

So today, I will poke my little nose outside my door.  I will go outside into the wide, not so scary world as previously, and I will see what happens.

Whatever happens with today, I will survive; tomorrow will come.  It will be different and good in its own way.

The cross at the Devil's Punch Bowl falls on the Niagara Escarpment