The Day The Laptop Died

At the Height of the Storm

I'd like to say that it was a day like any other day.

But it really wasn't.

It was a day which began with me feeling weak and shaky.  Day two of feeling weak and shaky.

A day when so many things went sideways.  Little things in the reality of life, I guess.

But still frustrating things.

I call this ...

... The Day The Laptop Died.

*****

I'd accepted a date more than a month ago to babysit the grands while their parents went to a wedding.

When I accepted this date, neither hubby nor I realized that he would be on call that weekend.

Oops! First mistake.

One of the grands has just been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum - high functioning but still with quirks.  Another has high anxiety.  Each condition has to be acknowledged and worked with.

My daughter is wonderful dealing with these things.  Hubby does pretty well as well.  Me?  I'm hopeless.  Give me a place on the couch, a book, my laptop to work with and I'm fine.  Interacting with people especially young people even if they're very special young people in my life is something I am not well suited for.

Yet, even being willing to go outside my little hidy hole, my home, and interact with other people for a prolonged period is a huge sign on the road to recovery.

We also have no idea of what my physical condition is going to be at any given time.  It changes daily.  Sometimes hourly.

In order to prepare, I basically did two days work in one day - even though I was feeling weak and shaky when I woke up the day before.

By the time the day before the babysitting adventure was over, I had done the grocery shopping (normally a Saturday chore done with hubby); the week's laundry (again normally a Saturday chore); prepared a meal for the next day and the Friday evening meal as well.

Each task done slowly and mindfully with rest breaks in between.

You would think that with all that preparation I had it made in the shade.

However, life is what happens when you have other plans.

Unfortunately.

It seemed like the day of the actual babysitting regardless of my preparation was destined to go sideways from the start.

I had a small crockpot of bean dip in the back of my SUV which turned over on the way to my daughter's house when I had to jam on the brakes when the driver in front of me suddenly reduced his speed from 60 khm to 30 khm.

Very unhappy face here.

We had quite the  mess to clean up right off the bat.

I had brought five chocolate bars one for each of us, three grands and two grandparents, which I laid out on the kitchen table.  Unfortunately, part of autism involves sensory over logic.  So four of the chocolate bars "mysteriously" disappeared.  Which made the one grand I haven't mentioned, the middle grand, furious.  Sibling rivalry ensued.

Hubby got called out just a couple of hours later for a service call.  He never did return except to come back quickly to eat supper and unplug the toilet.

Yep, that's right the plumber had to do a "service" call at our daughter's home that day.

Thing gone wrong #4.

The little one with autism refused to eat the food I had prepared because I hadn't learned the nuances of his brain.  He doesn't like tacos.  Calling it taco filling caused him to go into his "I don't like" mode.  I learned later if I had called it burrito filling or even savoury meat filling, things might have gone differently.

And then, to top off all the frustration and aggravation of the day, somehow water got spilled on the kitchen table where my laptop was residing during a physical dispute between the two youngest grands.  It turns out that the middle grand was in the younger grand's (the one with autism) space and caused him to act out.

Oh dear.

The laptop went blank and all my coping mechanisms went with it.

All the plans I had in my head went down with the laptop.  I couldn't watch DVDs on the laptop.  I had numerous blog postings both in my head and started on the laptop which I had planned to work on that day.

I was effectively dead in the water.

Another unhappy face.

No hubby as an alter ego who is much better and more interactive with the grands, their parents at a wedding, the toilet, the previous aggravation - all these conspired to bring me down.  When I saw down, I meat DOWN.  Waaayyyy down emotionally.

Even so I still had to carry on and get through the day and worry about the laptop later.

Actually I didn't worry about the laptop later, I worried constantly about what I was going to do if I had to replace it.

And then to add insult to injury as they said, when all was said and done, the day was over, the parents had returned and my son in love was carrying things out to my car, a container with salad fixings fell on the asphalt of the parking lot spilling it's contents on the parking lot.

At that point, I totally gave up.

I don't want to adult any more.  I'm going to child.  Or maybe cat.

*****

I discovered things about myself that day.  Not good things.

I started back into the negative self talk about not being good enough which is a step backward.  Or maybe two or three steps backward and had to be corrected.

Even though in my mind I knew it was nothing more than an accident, I wanted to blame people.  More specifically I wanted to blame the one with autism.  But is it his fault that which I have a basic understanding of the condition, I don't know the specifics of how to deal with him when things go awry?

It's kind of like me with PTSD and trauma and most people don't even have a modicum of understanding about these conditions.  They simply lay blame and back off.  They don't want to deal with it.  Not only are my conditions misunderstood by the majority of people but I feel that I am misunderstood when things come up.

I also discovered how dependent I am on my schedules and routine and that anything, no matter how small or insignificant in the daily flow of life for other people, has the power to push me off the path towards recovery at least for a while until I can pull back enough to regain my equilibrium.

Regaining equilibrium. 

A key factor on the road to recovery.

*****

Other life circumstances have occurred since that fateful day: a wind storm with hurricane strength winds accompanied by a power outage; the destruction of my new tubular vinyl greenhouse in said windstorm; a piece knocked off by ornamental lighthouse during the windstorm; seedlings tossed about and needed to be repotted.  All of which require not only time and attention but energy on the road to recovery.

To top it off, I got called for jury duty selection which I attended yesterday.  I was not selected this time, but all of us who were not selected or excused have to go back again.  

The lap which was out of commission for five days has been seen by a technician who got it rebooted; however, the laptop has been declared vintage by the manufacturer so parts are no longer available.  Some of the keys on the keyboard don't work, so we have activated what is called a workaround in the workplace.  We bought a cheap, plastic, huge keyboard and mouse combo.  It may be clumsy but it works.  At this point that is all that matters.

The lighthouse has been put back together and repainted.

The tubular greenhouse has been put back together; however, the vinyl covering is kaput so we are currently working on a workaround for that.

The seedlings?  Some of them have survived; some did not.  Those that did will be in the process of being repotted as it is too early yet in my climate to plant them in the garden as tempting as that idea is.

Did I mention that summons for jury duty selection?  That too has come and gone since the day the lap-top died.  Since the wind storm.  It too has come and gone.  And I've survived once again.

Life is what happens when we have other plans.

Recovery happens in how we face those challenges.

After the Cleanup