So often a blog posting writes itself perfectly, flowingly ... in my head. But doesn't translate to the written word.
This has been the case with this blog posting which was intended originally to be a sequel to the prior one about the (perceived) bully in the pharmacy as I came to realize through analyzing that one incident how much passive aggressive behaviour, especially on the part of one coworker whom I've designated as B, was part and parcel of what happened to me in the workplace.
But first, I felt I needed to lay a groundwork as to what passive aggressive is and how it manifests itself.
Because it is passive rather than aggressive, it is covert rather than overt and not easy to recognize.
Today, I want to dwell and enlighten both myself and my readers as to what passive aggressive is and how it manifests itself.
I hope you will bear with me as I journey this side road on the journey of recovery.
*****
Passive Aggressive Behaviour.
We've all heard about it. Many of us have experienced it. Without recognizing what is going on.
I know that I didn't recognize it when it was happening to me in the workplace. Worse. Neither apparently did my coworkers, management and HR.
I don't even know if the coworkers involved in the behaviour recognized that they were engaging in passive aggressive behaviour. After all, it's like the couch in the living room. Always there yet not noticed.
But really, in many ways it's just a word. Because it is much easier to define then it is to recognize.
So let's start with a definition of passive aggressive behaviour and go from there.
According to the dictionary:
pas·sive-ag·gres·sive
adjective
- of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
According to a PsychoologyToday.com article by "5 Signs That You're Dealing With a Passive-Aggressive Person… and the most effective way to deal with their perpetrators" by Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D, the five signs of passive aggressive behaviour are:
- The Silent Treatment
- Subtle Insults
- Sullen Behaviour
- Stubbornness
- Failure to Finish Required Tasks
Another article, this one by the Mayo Clinic, includes the following as signs of passive aggressive haviour:
- Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
- Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands
- Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude
- Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated
I've provided links to both of these articles which I heartily encourage you to read to get a more thorough understanding. Using the search words "signs of passive agressive behaviour", there are numerous articles some which give seven signs, some which give more. It looks like passive aggressive behaviour is much more complicated and prevalent than the normal person would see.
It appears to be one of those kinds of things that you have to experience in order to understand.
It also helps if someone points it out to you.
Which happened some years ago when hubby and I were eating out at a local establishment which is well known in our area. We'd gone there for years and enjoyed it. It's a bit of a drive - into Mennonite country - but was well worth the endeavour.
Until ...
We went one evening and I noticed something amiss happening in the room we were in. No tables were being set up with cutlery. Even after the server set the food on the table in front of the patrons, she did not bring cutlery. Even when one man became irate and asked her for cutlery, she didn't bring it. I flagged her down and informed her she should bring this patron - and the rest of us - cutlery so we could eat our food. At that point, she did relent enough to bring that one table the utensils needed to enjoy their food - after they'd starred at it for what seemed like a very long time.
I expected her to comply and bring us cutlery before she brought us our food. I was mistaken in that belief.
I don't know if you the reader can understand how hard it was to have a platter of roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy and vegetables in all their glory set in front of me - with nothing to eat it with except my hands.
I exploded at her that I had tried hard for this not to happen. She left. The expectation on my part being that she would bring the utensils needed to eat the food which was teasing my sensory glands. It was like torture to have this wonderfully smelling appetizing food in front of me with nothing to eat it with - except my hands.
Finally I resorted to eating my roast beef and mashed potatoes covered with gravy with my hands.
Messy but it worked.
Eventually another server entered the room and I flagged her down and asked her to look at our table and tell me what was wrong with the picture. She didn't know. Until I pointed out that the utensils needed to eat it with were missing.
She brought the cutlery. I didn't have to eat my entire meal with my fingers.
However, this behaviour continued with our server at every single table she worked at in that room. She never did give people their cutlery until well after she'd served them their food.
I had a session with my amazing counsellor soon after that experience and she asked me if that server had been wearing a white bonnet meaning she was a Mennonite. She said that the Mennonites were really good at passive aggressive behaviour.
That was how I'd realized that this server's behaviour was passive aggressive.
That was the basis for how my being able to recognize passive aggressive began.
The behaviour was passive on her part while it became aggressive on mine.
Because I became aggressive in my pursuit to enjoy my meal in a timely fashion, I became the wrong doer. She became the "innocent" victim of this very aggressive customer.
She became the winner.
It also helps if someone points it out to you.
Which happened some years ago when hubby and I were eating out at a local establishment which is well known in our area. We'd gone there for years and enjoyed it. It's a bit of a drive - into Mennonite country - but was well worth the endeavour.
Until ...
We went one evening and I noticed something amiss happening in the room we were in. No tables were being set up with cutlery. Even after the server set the food on the table in front of the patrons, she did not bring cutlery. Even when one man became irate and asked her for cutlery, she didn't bring it. I flagged her down and informed her she should bring this patron - and the rest of us - cutlery so we could eat our food. At that point, she did relent enough to bring that one table the utensils needed to enjoy their food - after they'd starred at it for what seemed like a very long time.
I expected her to comply and bring us cutlery before she brought us our food. I was mistaken in that belief.
I don't know if you the reader can understand how hard it was to have a platter of roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy and vegetables in all their glory set in front of me - with nothing to eat it with except my hands.
I exploded at her that I had tried hard for this not to happen. She left. The expectation on my part being that she would bring the utensils needed to eat the food which was teasing my sensory glands. It was like torture to have this wonderfully smelling appetizing food in front of me with nothing to eat it with - except my hands.
Finally I resorted to eating my roast beef and mashed potatoes covered with gravy with my hands.
Messy but it worked.
Eventually another server entered the room and I flagged her down and asked her to look at our table and tell me what was wrong with the picture. She didn't know. Until I pointed out that the utensils needed to eat it with were missing.
She brought the cutlery. I didn't have to eat my entire meal with my fingers.
However, this behaviour continued with our server at every single table she worked at in that room. She never did give people their cutlery until well after she'd served them their food.
I had a session with my amazing counsellor soon after that experience and she asked me if that server had been wearing a white bonnet meaning she was a Mennonite. She said that the Mennonites were really good at passive aggressive behaviour.
That was how I'd realized that this server's behaviour was passive aggressive.
That was the basis for how my being able to recognize passive aggressive began.
The behaviour was passive on her part while it became aggressive on mine.
Because I became aggressive in my pursuit to enjoy my meal in a timely fashion, I became the wrong doer. She became the "innocent" victim of this very aggressive customer.
She became the winner.
*****
I'm going to stop her now and continue on this passive aggressive theme in my next blog post eventually (hopefully) revealing how it manifested itself in the workplace through the one coworker "B". But first I want to reveal and examine other instances of passive aggressive workplace.
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