Anger Is Just An Emotion

Workplace bullying/abuse is complex.  It not only involves the form it takes in the workplace and the various strategies the protagonists (or are they antagonists?) use to achieve their objectives in the workplace, but it involves what takes place inside the target, the target's internalization of what is happening around them  and the target's emotions.

For me, those emotions ran the gamut from hopelessness, to despair, and ultimately to anger.  Okay, let's replace that word  "anger" with the word "rage" and you come closer to my emotional state at the end.

Recovery from workplace abuse is also complex.  I've focused so far on the story and also on parts of the story of recovery.  However, no story of recovery from workplace bullying/abuse is complete without side trips into the emotional side of recovery.

So here we go with one prominent piece of the emotional recovery.

P.S. I promise to space these side trips out a bit, as needed to be relevant to the story.

*****

One thread that ran consistently through both incidences of workplace abuse was about both supervisors' perceptions of self control.  With both that seemed to mean, no show of emotions whatsoever; no tears; no loudness.  Which would definitely include no show of anger. 

So I stuffed that emotion deep inside me, exactly like I've been trained to do since childhood.

Anger is bad.  Therefore, if I show anger, I am bad.

This is what I had internalized not just through my experiences with workplace abuse but, more importantly, throughout my life.

So when I came across a book entitled Putting Off Anger: A Biblical Study of What Anger is and What to Do About It, I bought it and took it home with me.

*****

At the beginning of my journey with the first break down, I went to the Crisis Clinic in the ER at the local hospital where I met with a mental health nurse.  She heard my story and asked questions to ascertain my mental state and whether I was a threat to myself or to anyone else.  One question had to do with anger.  Was I experiencing anger?

Was I experiencing anger?  Ohhhhh yesssss.  Actually more like rage.

She asked me to describe what I was feeling.

I told her that I felt like I could strike the people I "perceived" as my bullies with a bat, piece of wood, whatever, over and over and over again until they were nothing more than a greasy spot on the road. 

Would I act on these feelings, she asked me.

I paused thinking.  The answer:  No.  I just didn't have it in me to strike another human being.

She looked at me and said "I believe you."

She explained that it wasn't the anger or rage that was the concern, but rather whether I could control it and not act on it.

She further told me that she would be more concerned if I didn't have these ideations/feelings as that would indicate that I had flattened emotions.

My therapist and I also dealt with these intense feelings of anger and rage in our sessions.

She tried to tell me that anger was just a feeling.  Neither right nor wrong, good nor bad.  It was what we do with those feelings of anger that is the concern.

Again.  Could I or would I act on those feelings?

Again.  The answer was - and still is - no. 

It's not in me to hurt another human being.

*****

So there I was, still in the crisis or acute phase post workplace bullying, sitting in the airplane on my way to Winston Salem, reading the above mentioned book on anger.  Even though my cognitive skills and ability to focus were severely compromised, I found a way to read it.  A little bit at a time.  Highlighter in hand.  Pen at the ready to make notes in the margin.

Basically, what I internalized from the book was the same thing that both the mental health nurse and my therapist had said.  Anger is neither good nor bad; right nor wrong.  What's wrong is if you act on those feelings.  What's wrong is if you let that anger control your life.  If you let it morph into bitterness.

Yes, I had let my anger about the first workplace abuse situation and things that followed control me.  I had allowed bitterness to take seed in my life.  These feelings had carried into my second workplace.

At that point in my life, I was tired of carrying these burdens of anger and accompanying rage and bitterness around.  I was ready to let go and let God.

It still was a process, but it was a beginning on the road to recovery.

Realizing that anger is just an emotion and that I alone had the power to control whether it took over my life or not, was - and still is - a freeing moment on the journey of recovery.