Sequel to "A (perceivbed) Bully in the Pharmacy: Passive Aggressive Behaviour and Bullies

So often a blog posting writes itself perfectly, flowingly ... in my head.  But doesn't translate to the written word.

This has been the case with this blog posting which was intended originally to be a sequel to the prior one about the (perceived) bully in the pharmacy as I came to realize through analyzing that one incident how much passive aggressive behaviour, especially on the part of one coworker whom I've designated as B, was part and parcel of what happened to me in the workplace.

But first, I felt I needed to lay a groundwork as to what passive aggressive is and how it manifests itself.

Because it is passive rather than aggressive, it is covert rather than overt and not easy to recognize.

Today, I want to dwell and enlighten both myself and my readers as to what passive aggressive is and how it manifests itself.

I hope you will bear with me as I journey this side road on the journey of recovery.

*****

Passive Aggressive Behaviour.

We've all heard about it.  Many of us have experienced it.  Without recognizing what is going on.

I know that I didn't recognize it when it was happening to me in the workplace.  Worse.  Neither apparently did my coworkers, management and HR.

I don't even know if the coworkers involved in the behaviour recognized that they were engaging in passive aggressive behaviour.  After all, it's like the couch in the living room.  Always there yet not noticed.

But really, in many ways it's just a word.  Because it is much easier to define then it is to recognize.

So let's start with a definition of passive aggressive behaviour and go from there.

According to the dictionary:

pas·sive-ag·gres·sive

adjective

adjective: passive-aggressive

1. of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.

According to a PsychoologyToday.com article by "5 Signs That You're Dealing With a Passive-Aggressive Person… and the most effective way to deal with their perpetrators" by Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D, the five signs of passive aggressive behaviour are:

1. The Silent Treatment
2. Subtle Insults
3. Sullen Behaviour 
4. Stubbornness 
5. Failure to Finish Required Tasks

Another article, this one by the Mayo Clinic, includes the following as signs of passive aggressive haviour:

• Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
• Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands
• Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude
• Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated

I've provided links to both of these articles which I heartily encourage you to read to get a more thorough understanding.  Using the search words "signs of passive agressive behaviour", there are numerous articles some which give seven signs, some which give more.  It looks like passive aggressive behaviour is much more complicated and prevalent than the normal person would see.

It appears to be one of those kinds of things that you have to experience in order to understand. 

It also helps if someone points it out to you.

Which happened some years ago when hubby and I were eating out at a local establishment which is well known in our area.  We'd gone there for years and enjoyed it.  It's a bit of a drive - into Mennonite country - but was well worth the endeavour.

Until ...

We went one evening and I noticed something amiss happening in the room we were in.  No tables were being set up with cutlery.  Even after the server set the food on the table in front of the patrons, she did not bring cutlery.  Even when one man became irate and asked her for cutlery, she didn't bring it.  I flagged her down and informed her she should bring this patron - and the rest of us - cutlery so we could eat our food.  At that point, she did relent enough to bring that one table the utensils needed to enjoy their food - after they'd starred at it for what seemed like a very long time.

I expected her to comply and bring us cutlery before she brought us our food.  I was mistaken in that belief.

I don't know if you the reader can understand how hard it was to have a platter of roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy and vegetables in all their glory set in front of me - with nothing to eat it with except my hands.

I exploded at her that I had tried hard for this not to happen.  She left.  The expectation on my part being that she would bring the utensils needed to eat the food which was teasing my sensory glands.  It was like torture to have this wonderfully smelling appetizing food in front of me with nothing to eat it with - except my hands.  

Finally I resorted to eating my roast beef and mashed potatoes covered with gravy with my hands.

Messy but it worked.

Eventually another server entered the room and I flagged her down and asked her to look at our table and tell me what was wrong with the picture.  She didn't know.  Until I pointed out that the utensils needed to eat it with were missing.

She brought the cutlery.  I didn't have to eat my entire meal with my fingers.

However, this behaviour continued with our server at every single table she worked at in that room.  She never did give people their cutlery until well after she'd served them their food.

I had a session with my amazing counsellor soon after that experience and she asked me if that server had been wearing a white bonnet meaning she was a Mennonite.  She said that the Mennonites were really good at passive aggressive behaviour. 

That was how I'd realized that this server's behaviour was passive aggressive.

That was the basis for how my being able to recognize passive aggressive began.

The behaviour was passive on her part while it became aggressive on mine.

Because I became aggressive in my pursuit to enjoy my meal in a timely fashion, I became the wrong doer.  She  became the "innocent" victim of this very aggressive customer.

She became the winner.

*****

I'm going to stop her now and continue on this passive aggressive theme in my next blog post eventually (hopefully) revealing how it manifested itself in the workplace through the one coworker "B".  But first I want to reveal and examine other instances of passive aggressive workplace.

The (perceived) Bully in the Pharmacy

Bullies are not confined to the workplace - or the schoolyard.  They're not confined to being your coworker, supervisor - or your schoolmate.  They can be anywhere and everywhere.  They can be your neighbour, your pastor, another rider on the bus ... anybody at anytime who happens to cross your path whether for a brief period of time or, as in the case of a neighbour, schoolmate or workmate, long term.  

A bully can be anyone.

You're not going to be able to recognize a bully by how they look.  But rather by how they act.  By their behaviour and characteristics.

I had an experience last week at a local pharmacy while trying to get my husband's prescription filled, I want to describe in this blog post why I believe I was interacting with a workplace bully.

Note: I used the word perceived in parenthesis in the title because in a sense it is my perception that this person may be a workplace bully.  However, my thesis that she is a bully is based on her behaviour and how it matched up with my experience with bullies in the workplace.

*****

As most things in life, this is part of a story. As you probably know by now, I like to tell things in a story.  As part of a whole.

Hubby needed to get his license renewed and needed a medical.  Hubby does not go to the doctor until absolutely necessary which in this case was for this medical.  I have no idea when was the last time he darkened the doors of the doctor's office.

He also doesn't like to take medicine which, again, is a contributing factor in this story aka drama.

His BP was high so the doctor asked him to restart the medication he was on and which he had not been taking, for a short period of time and then come back and see him on a specified date to see what effect being back on the medication had on his BP.  New appointment made.

So far, so good.

He discovered that the medicine he had on hand was old.  Very, very old.  As in last time refilled was 2015.  We're in 2018.

Oops.

Not so good.

So he dutifully went to the pharmacy he uses, a large chain type, to have it filled and got an earful and a refusal from the pharmacist.

She not only refused to fill it - which was reasonable - but she also refused to fax a prescription request to the doctor insisting, no demanding, that hubby see the doctor.

Ummmm.  Do you see a problem here?  Hubby had already seen the doctor and wasn't about to take another bite of time (unpaid) off work when he'd seen the doctor just two days before and had another appointment in 12 days to see him again.

Hubby is also going to take the path of least resistance so when the pharmacist says no, he's not going to go any further.

But he is going to fume and fuss.

This is where little wifey, me, comes in.

I dial the doctor's phone number and handed the phone to hubby.  I also had it on speaker phone before I handed it over.  The receptionist advised him to ask the pharmacist to fax over a prescription request and they would go from there.

You would think this would solve the problem, right?

Wrong.

Here is where the bully enters stage left.  Or was it stage right?  Or was she on the stage the entire time?

Again, I dailed the phone number, put it on speaker phone and went through all the press 1 for this, press 2 for that, press 3 if you're going to H-E-double hockey sticks (this one part of my weird sense of humour) and handed him the phone.  He began explaining the situation and what was needed to the person on the other end of the line who cut him off midstream saying that they could not possibly fill the prescription.

I took over the phone and explained in a no nonsense way what the physician's receptionist had said to do and that we wanted them to fax a prescription request over.  The phone call ended.

I assumed that this person would do as requested BUT I had my doubts.

Several hours later on my way back from my errands that day, I found myself passing that pharmacy so stopped by to enquire the status of his prescription.

Oops!  Not one of my better ideas.

I found myself talking to the same voice, same mannerisms, same rushed talking as I'd heard on the phone with my husband.

I was asked if we'd received a phone call to say that the prescription had been filled and given the perception that a person was not to just come in unless they had received a phone call.

It turned out the person had never sent the requested fax in the first place.

She indicated that the word "fax" was incorrect.  That us or the doctor asking for a fax was just plain wrong.  So I switched to the word "call".

She denied that our conversation several hours earlier had ever taken place.

I kept explaining in logical order the timeline of events, that hubby had seen the doctor, what the doctor wanted, the series of events both in his personal visit and later phone call several hours earlier.

At that point, she told me I was getting upset and I had to go "over there".

I pointed out that I was trying very hard to be calm.  At which point, she went "over there" to the pharmacist spewing words like fast flowing lava from her mouth.

The pharmacist was the same person hubby had talked to in person earlier.  So I went through the entire timeline once again.  That hubby had seen the doctor, what the doctor's wishes were, what the doctor's office had said to do about the prescription being very old.  Eventually, the pharmacist relented and sent a fax requesting a new prescription for hubby.  But only AFTER she had requested that the first person send the fax and be refused.

These are all signs of a bully in the workplace.

Turning the tables to indicate that the other person is wrong even when they are right; denying events or conversations; talking over people; refusing to listen especially refusing to listen to logic; accusing the targeted person of being emotional, in this case being upset, even if they are not showing outward signs of being upset.

All of these things - and more - conspire to put the bully in a position of power and control and reduce the target's power and control over the situation.

*****

I was a customer.  Someone who may or may not cross her path again.

I don't work with this woman; however, I came away with the distinct impression that I was dealing with a workplace bully because in my experience one person is never completely in the wrong while the other is completely in the right.

There were too many things that just didn't add up.

Along with that impression came the question:  "Is this person targeting someone inside the pharmacy staff, in that little office, to bully?"

In my experience in the workplace, I observed the same kinds of behaviours that were being inflicted on me consistently and constantly also being lobbed at others on occasion as this (perceived) bully in the pharmacy was lobbing behaviours at me, a customer she's never seen before in her life - and probably will never see again.

I wonder ....

The Day The Laptop Died

At the Height of the Storm

I'd like to say that it was a day like any other day.

But it really wasn't.

It was a day which began with me feeling weak and shaky.  Day two of feeling weak and shaky.

A day when so many things went sideways.  Little things in the reality of life, I guess.

But still frustrating things.

I call this ...

... The Day The Laptop Died.

*****

I'd accepted a date more than a month ago to babysit the grands while their parents went to a wedding.

When I accepted this date, neither hubby nor I realized that he would be on call that weekend.

Oops! First mistake.

One of the grands has just been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum - high functioning but still with quirks.  Another has high anxiety.  Each condition has to be acknowledged and worked with.

My daughter is wonderful dealing with these things.  Hubby does pretty well as well.  Me?  I'm hopeless.  Give me a place on the couch, a book, my laptop to work with and I'm fine.  Interacting with people especially young people even if they're very special young people in my life is something I am not well suited for.

Yet, even being willing to go outside my little hidy hole, my home, and interact with other people for a prolonged period is a huge sign on the road to recovery.

We also have no idea of what my physical condition is going to be at any given time.  It changes daily.  Sometimes hourly.

In order to prepare, I basically did two days work in one day - even though I was feeling weak and shaky when I woke up the day before.

By the time the day before the babysitting adventure was over, I had done the grocery shopping (normally a Saturday chore done with hubby); the week's laundry (again normally a Saturday chore); prepared a meal for the next day and the Friday evening meal as well.

Each task done slowly and mindfully with rest breaks in between.

You would think that with all that preparation I had it made in the shade.

However, life is what happens when you have other plans.

Unfortunately.

It seemed like the day of the actual babysitting regardless of my preparation was destined to go sideways from the start.

I had a small crockpot of bean dip in the back of my SUV which turned over on the way to my daughter's house when I had to jam on the brakes when the driver in front of me suddenly reduced his speed from 60 khm to 30 khm.

Very unhappy face here.

We had quite the  mess to clean up right off the bat.

I had brought five chocolate bars one for each of us, three grands and two grandparents, which I laid out on the kitchen table.  Unfortunately, part of autism involves sensory over logic.  So four of the chocolate bars "mysteriously" disappeared.  Which made the one grand I haven't mentioned, the middle grand, furious.  Sibling rivalry ensued.

Hubby got called out just a couple of hours later for a service call.  He never did return except to come back quickly to eat supper and unplug the toilet.

Yep, that's right the plumber had to do a "service" call at our daughter's home that day.

Thing gone wrong #4.

The little one with autism refused to eat the food I had prepared because I hadn't learned the nuances of his brain.  He doesn't like tacos.  Calling it taco filling caused him to go into his "I don't like" mode.  I learned later if I had called it burrito filling or even savoury meat filling, things might have gone differently.

And then, to top off all the frustration and aggravation of the day, somehow water got spilled on the kitchen table where my laptop was residing during a physical dispute between the two youngest grands.  It turns out that the middle grand was in the younger grand's (the one with autism) space and caused him to act out.

Oh dear.

The laptop went blank and all my coping mechanisms went with it.

All the plans I had in my head went down with the laptop.  I couldn't watch DVDs on the laptop.  I had numerous blog postings both in my head and started on the laptop which I had planned to work on that day.

I was effectively dead in the water.

Another unhappy face.

No hubby as an alter ego who is much better and more interactive with the grands, their parents at a wedding, the toilet, the previous aggravation - all these conspired to bring me down.  When I saw down, I meat DOWN.  Waaayyyy down emotionally.

Even so I still had to carry on and get through the day and worry about the laptop later.

Actually I didn't worry about the laptop later, I worried constantly about what I was going to do if I had to replace it.

And then to add insult to injury as they said, when all was said and done, the day was over, the parents had returned and my son in love was carrying things out to my car, a container with salad fixings fell on the asphalt of the parking lot spilling it's contents on the parking lot.

At that point, I totally gave up.

I don't want to adult any more.  I'm going to child.  Or maybe cat.

*****

I discovered things about myself that day.  Not good things.

I started back into the negative self talk about not being good enough which is a step backward.  Or maybe two or three steps backward and had to be corrected.

Even though in my mind I knew it was nothing more than an accident, I wanted to blame people.  More specifically I wanted to blame the one with autism.  But is it his fault that which I have a basic understanding of the condition, I don't know the specifics of how to deal with him when things go awry?

It's kind of like me with PTSD and trauma and most people don't even have a modicum of understanding about these conditions.  They simply lay blame and back off.  They don't want to deal with it.  Not only are my conditions misunderstood by the majority of people but I feel that I am misunderstood when things come up.

I also discovered how dependent I am on my schedules and routine and that anything, no matter how small or insignificant in the daily flow of life for other people, has the power to push me off the path towards recovery at least for a while until I can pull back enough to regain my equilibrium.

Regaining equilibrium. 

A key factor on the road to recovery.

*****

Other life circumstances have occurred since that fateful day: a wind storm with hurricane strength winds accompanied by a power outage; the destruction of my new tubular vinyl greenhouse in said windstorm; a piece knocked off by ornamental lighthouse during the windstorm; seedlings tossed about and needed to be repotted.  All of which require not only time and attention but energy on the road to recovery.

To top it off, I got called for jury duty selection which I attended yesterday.  I was not selected this time, but all of us who were not selected or excused have to go back again.  

The lap which was out of commission for five days has been seen by a technician who got it rebooted; however, the laptop has been declared vintage by the manufacturer so parts are no longer available.  Some of the keys on the keyboard don't work, so we have activated what is called a workaround in the workplace.  We bought a cheap, plastic, huge keyboard and mouse combo.  It may be clumsy but it works.  At this point that is all that matters.

The lighthouse has been put back together and repainted.

The tubular greenhouse has been put back together; however, the vinyl covering is kaput so we are currently working on a workaround for that.

The seedlings?  Some of them have survived; some did not.  Those that did will be in the process of being repotted as it is too early yet in my climate to plant them in the garden as tempting as that idea is.

Did I mention that summons for jury duty selection?  That too has come and gone since the day the lap-top died.  Since the wind storm.  It too has come and gone.  And I've survived once again.

Life is what happens when we have other plans.

Recovery happens in how we face those challenges.

After the Cleanup