Workplace Abuse aka Bullying: Cracks in the infrastructure

How did this experience of workplace bullying which impacted me so badly leaving serious injury in its wake start?

There are no clearcut, decisive answers.  

However, looking back on the situation, I wonder if it had to do with the "infrastructure" of the workplace, a term usually used to denote the basic physical and organizational structure needed for the operation of a societyor enterprise ,^[1] or the services and facilities necessary for an economy to function (Wikipedia) but used here to denote the management style and company culture exiting within that particular workplace.  

Several months after I signed that document and resigned from the workplace while I was still very much in turmoil from the emotional fall out of what had happened to me, still trying to get a grasp on understanding the dynamics involved, I got up the courage to speak to a friend of mine who used to be a manager in a totally different industry.  As we spoke, all the examples he could give me were completely work related.  They had nothing to do with what had happened to me in my workplace.  They had nothing to do with the "I don't like you so I'm not going to work with you" mentality that I had experienced.  In fact, at what point he said that he had never experienced anything from a managerial point of view like I had experienced from a worker's point of view in my workplace.  Finally, he said that from where he was sitting, the "infrastructure" was broken and probably could not be fixed.

Ironically, less than two weeks after that conversation, the head company announced that it would be completely closing our facility and building new - outside of our immediate area.  Meaning that while people could apply for positions in the new plant, the company was under no compulsion to re-hire them.

Also, it was separating the plant/processing function from the warehouse/distribution function by building a new third-party warehouse operated by a separate company.  Which again meant, that current employees could apply, but there was no certainty that they would be hired on.

*******

I wonder if the infrastructure within the company was already cracked by the time I walked in just three weeks after I'd been walked out of the workplace abuse experience #1.  Freshly and wounded, I was very vulnerable very probably resembling a deer caught in the headlights.  A perfect target.

The workplace I walked into was a company on the verge of major changes.  It had begun as a small family-owned local business and had grown over the years - similar to the company I'd worked in prior.  It was an institution in our community - as was my former workplace.  Always there.  Like NCR was in the Dayton, Ohio area where I grew up, it was a major employer.  Unlike NCR in my former home town which long ago pulled its manufacturing process out of the Dayton area and tore down all the buildings, both companies were still there.  Still producing.  Still employing people.

When I walked in, it was said to be hard for a person to get employment in that company unless they had an "in", a relative who worked there.  I had no "in".  I simply saw the ad on Workopolis for a temporary position in the office as a mat leave, filed my resume and cover letter on-line - and the rest was more or less history.

The company was rumoured to be a good employer in the area.  And it was in many ways:  benefits, perks, an employee market for the goods we produced.  There was also a sense of camaraderie as many of the employees had worked together there for years.  There was a sense of family in a way.

It was a large compound as well including a laundry facility for those who worked in the plant and had to wear uniforms, a boot room for those whose jobs necessitated the wearing of certain footwear like steel-toed boots, a sewing room to repair the uniforms, etc. and even a nurse's office and a doctor on the company payroll.  As well, the company had plumbers, millwrights, electricians etc. on staff to take care of any problems that cropped up on the production line.  You could say it was a community in and of itself.

And it had a union.  Actually two unions:  one for the plant employees and one for the office employees.  I was in the latter.

Being fresh, very fresh, from the bruising, brutal experience in my former workplace, I felt like I was Dorothy who had just landed in the Land of Oz.  I felt that what happened to me in the smaller, previous workplace could not happen to me in this larger one.  I felt that the union would protect me from the sort of behaviour I had experienced in the former workplace.  And it might have - had this experience been top down, i.e. starting with management, as the previous one was.  But it wasn't.  

This experience started with my co-workers, my peers.  It was a grassroots sort of movement which started at the bottom levels i.e. the grassroots and travelled upwards to HR, management and even the union.

It was not the union pitted against an unfair employer - which is what I perceive the union's role to be, but it became one faction of union members pitted against another union member who had been singled out and targeted for bullying.  Talk about conflict of interest.  I learned the hard way that even though the union president said that she was there for both sides, her leanings where definitely not with me.  There is no such thing as "neutrality" on something like this.  

On top of that, as good as I had perceived my employer to be, it did not have a separate bullying policy.  It only had a harassment policy which is based on Human Rights issues such as race, religion, ethnicity, etc.  

As I mentioned earlier, the company was about to experience a major transition.  What was once a family-owned business had already been swallowed up by a larger fish from the U.S. a few years before.  Now, it was in the process of transition of being taken over by an even larger fish:  a multi-million dollar Canadian conglomerate.  A leader, a mover and shaker in the Canadian food industry.

One thing I noticed very early on in my tenure at that workplace was that I seemed to have walked into a place which had a lot of divergent, strong, personalities.  It reminded me a bit of what someone once said about walking barefoot in south Texas; you didn't want to do it because everywhere you went there was a thistle, a thorn or a burr.

This workplace reminded me of that statement in the personalities of the people.  This one didn't like that one.  There was friction here; friction there.  A lot of very strong personalities all within the same space along with people who were related in some way, shape or form to one another by blood or by marriage, like two sisters-in-law one in management and one in the office; a mother/daughter duo also one in management and one as part-time; a husband/wife duo - her in the office, him as a driver; mother/daughter's "significant other" in the same office doing the same job.  The list could go on.  

There were also major trust issues.   If people didn't like what you were doing, they didn't go to you and work things out, they ran to management.

Looking back, there were a lot of "fault" lines criss-crossing the entire department similar to the geological fault lines which exist within the earth and are capable of causing catastrophic earth quakes if the conditions are ripe.

Although we had the illusion of "team", were we really capable of working together as a whole?

I think the workplace held together as well as it did for as long as it did, because there were good, strong people in management positions at the time I started my employment there.  Also because all the components, i.e. workers and managers, were all together in the same building.  However, as the new company took over, it slowly changed the internal dynamics of the workplace as it shuffled people around to different positions and even in one major case, shuffled an entire department to another location, thus giving room in another building on the compound for all the higher managers to be moved to that building.

As older, more established employees changed positions within the company and employees from others area of the compound including the plant came into the office, the dynamics changed considerably over time.

Each new person who came into our division, added a whole new dynamic to the mix.

*******

And this is where I will end the blog for today - and for this week.

Until Monday ... have a good weekend.

Workplace Abuse: Specific qualities and personality traits of the target

It seems like one blog posting is segueing naturally into another.  From a working definition of bullying to what causes the bully to choose a particular worker to target.  From there, it segued to why I, Cassie
Stratford, in particular was targeted.  Today, it is segueing to a long list taken from the material I collected over the years of qualities/personality traits the target has.

So today, because the list is long, this posting will be someone else's words, any dialogue I have to make on them will be another posting entirely.

According to the website bullyonline.org, in their on-line article "Bullying:  what is it?",  "Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

• popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
• competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
• intelligence and intellect
• honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
• you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
• a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
• you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
• successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
• a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
• imaginative, creative, innovative
• idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
• ability to master new skills
• ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
• sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance, etc.)
• slow to answer
• helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
• giving and selfless
• difficulty saying no
• diligent, industrious
• tolerance
• strong sense of honour
• irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
• an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (eg through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc.)
• low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
• a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissaude you from taking grievance and legal action)
• a desire to always think well of others
• being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
• being unwilling to lower standards
• a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
• high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
• a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
• low assertiveness
• a need to feel valued
• quick to apologize when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
• perfectionism
• higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
• a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
• high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
• a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it.

And there, dear reader, you pretty well have my personality summed up succinctly in point form.  By an author who is not only in a different country but on a different continent entirely.  Someone who has never met me nor will, in all probability, ever meet me.  This wasn't written by Cassie Stratford for Cassie Stratford.  

Therein lies its inherent value.  

This is for - and about - all of us who have faced bullying in the workplace.  

This describes us.  

This is us.

Workplace Abuse: Why Was I Chosen?

Yesterday, this blog explored the topic of how the bully chooses his/her target.  It ended with the quote below.

Today, I'm starting with that same quote.  Why?  Because I like it.  And because it sums up for me all the skewed dynamics which occurred in my place of work which facilitated and even encouraged the bullying.  

Bullying occurs for many reasons, and like a pot of stew, when all the right ingredients are mixed in together, someone begins to stir.  This means that when the organizational context, the bully's personality, the victim's personality and the managerial approval is all there, and the stars are aligned properly, bullies take on their form.  
From the web site No Workplace Bullies by Catherine Mattice

This article then goes on to address what particular attributes in the target might be attracting the bully.  Like honey attracts bees, so certain traits attract the bullies.

If you feel like a bully is targeting you, you may demonstrate some or all of the following:

• You may be feeling low self-esteem 

• You may have never learned how to defend yourself or to stand up to others  

•  You may be shy, and therefore find it difficult to speak up for yourself and your right to be treated kindly

•  You may have been a victim of bullies growing up, which seems to open the door for victimization as an adult 

• You may be a minority at your place of work, whether because of your age, gender, race, religion, sexual preference, etc. 

Check.

Check.

Not sure.

Check.

Check.

Four out of five.  Not bad.  Almost a perfect score.

To be a bully magnet.

Let's look into these "qualifications" to be attractive to bullies a bit closer as they relate to my situation.

I walked into this, what turned out to be the second abusive workplace situation in a row, almost three weeks to the hour after being walked out of situation #1.  I was still in a world of hurt - and confusion.  Still utterly devastated by what had happened.  Completely confused as to why.  My self-esteem which has never been good, was at an all time low.  Probably somewhere in the non-existent range.  It was obvious to everyone in my new workplace that I lacked confidence in myself.  Although I later proved to be a good worker and competent in my job, it took a while.  A long while.  To regain that confidence that had been snatched from me in workplace #1.

I had never learned how to defend myself or to stand up to others.  I was brought up in a home where anger reigned.  I learned from early childhood on, that it was safest not to say anything, to hide, to lay low.  Hoping the tempest would pass.  That carried over in all my interpersonal relationships for many years.  At the time the bullying became unbearable I was in the process of learning how to stand up for myself in appropriate manners.  That didn't fly in the workplace because the dynamics were already set in stone.  In fact, I think it angered the aggressors.  I wasn't supposed to get better.  I was supposed to lay down and die.  (Silly me - note the sarcasm.)

As a young child and into my late teens, early twenties, I was indeed very shy.  I would shake badly when called in class to answer a question.  However, as time evolved and I matured, the introvert became an extrovert.  With periods of quietness to re-center myself.  To regain focus.  However, in retrospect perhaps I still believed in my heart of hearts that I didn't have the right to speak up.  I didn't have the right to be treated kindly.  My motto was more like "live and let live".  Accept these people for what they are.  Don't expect something of them that they are not.  It had worked in past situations.  In this one, it led did not.  Living and letting live was probably the worst thing I could have done - especially in those early days - as I was identified and perceived as being lacking.

Yes, I was a victim of bullies growing up.  More than once.  I was under-sized.  I was different.  I wore glasses.  I was perceived as being smart.  I didn't fit in.  It was devastating enough when my grade three teacher held me up as being inferior to the class and encouraged the rest of the class by her example to exclude me as well, but in later years when puberty set in, I became the go-to target for both boys and girls - boys in grade seven and girls in grade eight.  It took a phone call to the office by my mom after months of bullying before it stopped.

And then came grade nine - I finally grew physically.  I could wear "big girl" clothes.  I could fit in.  At least to a degree.

I was never bullied again.

Until the workplace.  I was in my fifties and sixties.  Years later.  Yet, I sense that I came up against the same dynamic I did with those boys and girls when we were in puberty.  No, not racing hormones.  But rather people who didn't feel good about themselves.  People who may well have been stuck in the mentality of their teenage years.  People who had a need to be recognized, yet (going back to yesterday's post) didn't have the power and capability within themselves to shine on their own.  I have always felt that the root of the problem in my situation was that they needed to make someone look bad in order to make themselves look good.  And I was chosen.

And the last one?  I'm white, middled aged, heterosexual, happily married, Christian, from the US living in Canada (dual citizenship), so how could this apply to someone such as me?  I'm Christian.  I don't proselytize but I do live my beliefs. The setting was predominantly atheist or agnostic.  A setting where I've listened to the majority of my peers express anger at Christians and mock our beliefs.  One of the bullies actively hated those in the workplace who could be identified as active Christians.  Coincidence perhaps?  Or the tip of the iceberg?

I'm an American in a country where not everyone likes Americans.  Where we're perceived as being aggressors.

Were these enough to cause the problem?  Under the surface of course?  Definitely covertly rather than overtly because then they'd be getting in dangerous turf.  Human rights issues.

Of course, at the time all this was going on, especially in situation #1 and at the beginnings of situation #2 where the liaisons were formed and the dynamics began, I had no clue as to the dynamics.  I didn't know everything that I know now.  What I'm writing about in these posts.  All this came after the bullying was fully formed and in effect.  What is notable, though, is that as I researched the subject matter and learned and grew through both research and continued therapy, is that no one in the situation, neither HR, management nor the union, would listen.  

When Did the Workplace Become So Dangerous?

As I work through this series on bullying, what it is and why it's important to be able to recognize it and deal appropriately with it, I am going to use different formats.  Some will be like the last post on the definition of bullying, working with my research and giving it to you the reader in small bites.  Some may be reviews of books that I've read which have helped me on this journey of self discovery and recovery.  Hopefully, at some point, I'll be able to recruit some guest bloggers to give their perspective on either this challenge or other life challenges that they've encountered and are working through/recovering from.

Today, I give you my thoughts, as written down more than a year ago.  This is only a piece, a small piece, of my story.

This is the prologue I wrote for what appears to be a "book in progress" I've been working on and off for over three years now about bullying in the workplace.  Actually. more off than on.  It's working title is Taking Off the Rose-Coloured Glasses:  What to do when Conflict Resolution doesn’t work AKA The Bully in the Corner Cubicle

Bullying: When did the workplace become so dangerous?

I think perhaps the workplace changed and became dangerous sometime in the interim when I was busy raising my children, occupied with the home and family and not paying attention to the larger, outside world.  

Maybe it was when I ran my own typing service and was self employed and again living within a world of my own making.  

Or maybe just maybe, it has always been there – in the background, the elephant in the office begging for recognition.  Begging for someone to come forward and tell it like it is.  Clamouring for a voice for the voiceless, power for the powerless and justice for those whose lives have been irreparably damaged by the hidden, unseen, unspoken phenomenon of bullying in the workplace.  

I am a victim of bullying in the workplace.  Not once but twice. 

I am also a victim of bullying several times in school.  My daughter was twice a victim of school bullying.  My cousin was bullied in her workplace.  As I open up and talk to people I run into, I find that the woman who now owns a bead shop was a victim of bullying; ditto the woman who is a server as a local restaurant; a friend on Facebook, someone I met in a computer workshop.  

All the stories are different.  But all the stories have the same common themes.  Injustice.  Severe stress.  A workplace unable or unwilling to hear the victim and take appropriate action.  

And then the breakdown of health and the ultimate early leave taking of the victim.  

I have just lost both my health and my job courtesy of my second round of bullying in the workplace.

Workplace bullying is a very complex issue.  No two scenarios are identical but there are threads running through each one.  So far, I've not seen one example of serious, down-to-earth, or what I call tai-kwon-du bullying resolved by management and Human Resources or the union.  Why?  Because none of these sectors have seriously studied the issue and learned of its patterns.

In my present round of bullying, it took me approximately two years to realize what was happening to me in the workplace.  That it indeed did have a name – and that name was bullying.  

Since that time, I have been researching over the net what bullying is, how it relates to me, and does it relate to me?  How to combat it.  It was through this search that I discovered that what had happened to me earlier in my prior workplace, although very different in the way it was carried out, was indeed bullying.  

Since the time I discovered that I was being bullied in the workplace, I have tried, unsuccessfully, to have it stopped.  

This is my story and what I've learned as I've reluctantly trudged down this road I would rather have avoided.

And that is where I will leave us today with this post.  This is indeed my story.  My thoughts.  My perceptions.  My journey.  And, ultimately, my journey into recovery.

See you next time....

New Series: What Is Bullying?

In order to get a grasp of what recovery looks like, tastes like, and feels like, it is important to get a grasp of what workplace abuse aka bullying aka psychological harassment aka small "h" harassment (versus big "H" harassment, the kind covered by humans rights legislation) is.  What it does.  How it operates.

What factors cause it to thrive in the workplace.

I've already described my first run in with workplace bullying in a series this summer which ran from roughly late May to sometime in July.  With side trips interspersed here and there along the way to more pleasant locations to relieve the stress.

Writing about this topic is hard.  Living it has been excruciating.  Writing about it while in the process of recovering from it is ... interesting.  Difficult.

It brings back the uncertainty, the emotional upheaval I went through.  So why would I want to revisit these places by writing about them?

Why indeed?

Because I feel that it is necessary.

We, the abused in the workplace, are the voiceless, the faceless, the powerless.

I had no voice.  All voice I had was taken away from me by the incessant gossip rampant in the workplace.

I had no power.  Again, all the power belonged to those who were abusing me.

Why?

I've often asked myself that question.  During ... and after.

Why?  Why did people believe lies?  Why couldn't management, HR and the union see the illogic in the situation?  Why was I forced to sign away all my legal rights in a local donut shop with only a union official present?

Why?

Why?  Because no one in authority i.e. management, HR or the union had the slightest idea of what the phenomenon of bullying was all about.  No one was researching it.  No one had formal, or even informal training, on what was happening.  Yet, ironically, there are tons of resources on the net which could have been accessed.  In this day and age, bullying is becoming more and more evident.  There are agencies which run workshops for employers to open their eyes as to what bullying is - and how to deal with it.  Yet, no one in my workplace was interested.

I had, and still continue to research it on the internet.  But no one believed me.  No one was willing to listen.  No one was willing to sit down at the keyboard and type keywords into a search engine.

It was like I was living in a void.  In isolation.  In denial.  Denial not by me, but denial by those around me. Those who could have - and should have - protected me from the horror of what I was experiencing every day of my working life.

I knew what was happening to me.  I had research, reams of papers printed off the net, to prove it.  But.No.One.Would.Listen.  No.One.Would.Believe.That.I.Knew.What.I.Was.Talking.About.

It was all pushed aside as opinions, assumptions, perceptions.  Never as fact.

One person even went so far as to dismiss my research on the net by saying dismissively that "you can make the net say anything you want."

To be honest, you can.  If you take only one article, one source, that justifies your position.  But I had multiple sources that all said the same, or similar things.  I always wondered if that person had gone to college or university and written research papers.  If she had, she would have known that you need multiple sources to back up your position.  And I had them.

I implored one person to listen to an archived radio broadcast on bullying, but she pushed it aside saying that she wouldn't get the same thing out of it that I did.

That may be true enough.  She is not going to feel the impact because she is not going through what I was going through.  She was a bystander.  An influential bystander being management, but a bystander nonetheless.

So I am going to start laying the foundation by culling from all the papers I've printed off on what bullying is.

Why?  Because to me it is important to give not only myself, but also the thousands of others who are going through workplace abuse or have already gone through it a voice.

Note:  Because of the heavy duty nature of the subject matter, this blog may be on the irregular side posting only once or twice a week.  Or I may intersperse the dialogue with pleasanter, lighter topics such as trips ... or pictures.  Whatever.  I thank each one of you who has stood by me and reads this blog.  

Blessings.

Workplace Abuse - The Continuing Experience

Twilight to me is a magical time.  A time when sunbeams dance on the water.  A time when the raucous sounds of the day are replaced by a quietness, a peace.  These are the times I love to walk by the river, (ever-present) camera in hand drinking in the quietness, the peace, the beauty.  Enjoying the serenity, letting it sink deep into my troubled soul.  Soothing away the emotional aches and pains at least for a while of the journey.

The end was drawing near.  At the beginning I felt hope.  As the process of bullying aka psychological harassment aka small "h" harassment continued to inexorably progress slowly ever so slowly like lumbering heavy duty equipment demolishing whatever is in its path, hope was slowly replaced by despair.

The meeting we were to have at the beginning of the new year, did not happen.  I was never given a chance to ask questions as in was my pay raise included in the new contract.  When it came time to signing, I was called into her office at the end of the day without warning.  The contract was covered except for the signature part.  Still in a state of surprise by the abrupt, unexpected meeting, I signed.  Days later, it dawned on me that maybe there was a reason it was covered.  Maybe there was a reason it was done on the fly.  Maybe.

I think my feeling not only the day I misguidedly signed that contract but also on a consistent basis was akin to that of a deer caught in the headlights.  Frozen.  Staring.  Caught by surprise.

My supervisor was constantly criticizing me for what she perceived as my deficiencies.  She completely devalued the cross-training I did have i.e. with inventory and focused on what I did not have.  Yet, I often wondered if she even had a clue as to the things I was doing?  The value I did have for the department as a whole?

Ironically, during this same time frame when I was constantly being devalued by one person, the supervisor, I was showing great value in other ways to other people - ironically manager type people. One I taught how to do returns when it became part of her job - a part she was never trained on.  She told me later, that I had helped her greatly in her first days on the job with my pleasant attitude and my help.

BUT it was not good enough for my supervisor.

Another manager who was in charge of trucking charges, etc. also sought my advice and help on different issues.  She was a manager, I was in an entry-level position.  She expressed gratitude for my help.

BUT ... it was not good enough for my supervisor.

Somehow, I also became the one who ordered the supplies for the office and kept the supply cabinet full.  Ditto when the fax machine was full of papers, I would empty it and put things in the correct employee's slot.  Thus quietly making everyone's life a little easier.

BUT ... it was not good enough.

I often wondered if my supervisor had any idea of the work I did quietly in that office?  Did she really know?  More importantly, did she care?

What was more important to her?  Her agenda?  Or the well-being of the office?

I often wondered.

Towards the end of my contract, the dreaded annual evaluation came up.  That would have been fearful enough EXCEPT the department changed it that year.  Things that would have reflected positive on me were deleted.  Things that reflected negatively were added.

By that time, I was a mess emotionally.  Insecure.  Confused.

My lifeline was my faith.  My guidebook was my Bible.  Those were the two things that kept me tied to any sense of stability.  That and the constant support of my family.  My neighbours were aware too of what was happening in the workplace - and they were concerned.  There really wasn't much anyone could do.

As the time shortened and the stress became brutal, I felt like walking out.

Many people have asked since then:  "Why didn't you?  It was very clear that they wanted you to, so why didn't you?"

Maybe because I'm contrary and wasn't about to do what they wanted me to.

Maybe because I value integrity as part of my commitment to following God in my life.

Maybe because I'm not a quitter.

The biggest reason though has to do with the integrity issue.  I had signed a contract.  And I intended to honour that contract to the bitter end if need be.  Whether they wanted me to or not was beside the issue.

Also, in the back of my mind, I realized that part of their strategy would be to say that I was not "a fit" for them because I was "unstable" if I were to simply walk out.  I would have validated them - and I had no intention of doing so.

I'm also stubborn.

Maybe too stubborn for my own good.

In those moments, before the sun makes its final descent for the days, the seagulls come out on the river, flying here and there.  Flying low.  Diving into the water.  Are they feasting?  Or are they just enjoying their ability to fly?  The ducks below them are also serenely floating, maybe enjoying some juicy duck gossip or just relaxing after a long day on the river.

Workplace Abuse - The Ends Comes Ever Closer

 The sun comes up slowly emerging from the darkness.  First just a glow on the horizon.  Then slowly rising, slowly emerging from its sleep.  Bringing forth light where once darkness reigned.  However, before the sun rises in the morning, it must set at night slowly plunging the earth into darkness.  But not complete darkness.  There are always the stars, the moon to provide pinpoints of light to guide us through the darkness.

With the signing of that last contract, I descended into a dark time in my life.  As I've written before, that time is imprinted in my mind in shadows in shades of grey.

Exhaustion.  Caused partly by overwork but also but chronically disrupted sleep patterns.  Anxiety.  Stress.  Trembling.  A feeling of doom.  I kept looking up expecting to find the Sword of Damocles hovering over me by a thin string.  The sword being the end of the contract.  The thin string my increasingly tenuous tenure in the workplace.  Seeing the worst happen.  Still naively hoping for a good outcome, despite all odds.

When my supervisor (I now realize) grudgingly offered that last contract, I was naive enough to think that there was still hope.  That I could still gain her approval and acceptance.  That I had a reprieve of three months to show how good I was.

Looking back, hindsight being 20-20, I realize that that contact was only offered because they felt compelled to.  The highly complementary letter from that major account had gone all the way up into the Executive and my guess is that my supervisor and her 2-up realized that not renewing my contract was not in their best interests at that point.  I thought I was buying time.  I realize in hindsight (and I think I partially realized it then) that in reality they were buying themselves time.  Time for the Executive to forget the person on the West Order Desk in the back of the building.  Time to ensure that this time their plans went ... well ... according to plan.

Their first strategy was to ensure that I knew that my action in advising that major account that I was on account was (in their estimation) highly unprofessional and putting in place a new rule - just for me.  I was not to advise anyone - inside or outside the office - that I was on contract.

That meant that all the sales reps I worked with, all the DM's and their administrative assistants, all the major accounts and all my co-workers were not to know that my status in the workplace was tenuous at best.  I had worked there so long (25 months - six contracts plus the original co-op experience) that most people including my co-workers thought I was a permanent employee.

During this time, I felt like I was swimming in the lake of work alone like this Common Merganser.  Friendless.  Alone.  Mergansers seem to like to travel together - diving, swimming, feeding, whatever.  In a loose pack.  Like humans.  Like the Mergansers, we're not meant to travel alone through the waters of life - or the workplace - either.

I felt isolated from my co-workers.  They were permanent, I was not.  They were allowed to operate on a different, less stringent set of rules.  I was the different one.  The odd man out.  But I was not allowed to express that, OR ELSE....

The co-worker who I was partially covering for came back in the middle of January.  The former co-op who was covering half her job left.  My workload came back to manageable levels.  My blood pressure did not.  The environment with my supervisor did not.  If anything, she became more distant, more unapproachable.  In that last three months, I think I can count on both hands ... OK, I might have to include one foot ... the number of times my supervisor talked to me.  The times she did were to criticize or because she absolutely had to.

I was also told at the time the last contract was offered that my status would not be decided until the end - and I was not to ask.  Another rule.

My supervisor went into detail about the terms of the contract - with one major exception.  Pay.  In my last contract, a bonus had been included to signify a pay raise.  That bonus, that pay raise, magically disappeared in the last contract.

We were supposed to have a meeting regarding things in the New Year - just after the holidays.  It never happened.  Well, yes, I suppose you can say it happened - was it late January or February?  Also, it happened suddenly.  One of those surprise meetings the research I've since uncovered talks about.  Leaving me at a disadvantage.  However, I did plough on through all of her concerns raised just before Christmas only to find that they too, like my raise, had magically disappeared - only to replaced by other concerns.  Concerns more or less along the same lines as before, but different issues, different incidents.  Incidents I had no knowledge about - at least from her point of view.  A whole different bag of garbage opened and left smelling at my feet.  I didn't know how to deal with this.  Non-confrontative by nature, I was at a distinct disadvantage.  My personality also worked against me, as I need time to sort things through, to process them.  Give me two or three days - or sometimes even longer - and we can have a real, meaningful discussion.  But throw things at me on the fly  like that and I'm lost.

Did I say meaningful discussion?  The problem was that I appear to have been the only one of the two of us who wanted a meaningful discussion.  Two people conversing with one another towards the end of reaching a mutual understanding based on mutual respect and value.  I realize now that this term, meaningful discussion, did not appear to be in my supervisor's vocabulary, at least not in my experience.  Our conversations, our meetings appeared to be more along the lines of an emotional "hit and run" leaving me confused and devastated in its wake.  Unfortunately, I was not able to recognize that dynamic at the time, I was so invested in having a meaningful dialogue with my supervisor that I did not realize that it was merely a pipe dream on my part.  Something that just was not going to happen.

And so it was.  The dynamic set.  The steamroller in the office flattening me on a daily basis.  The steamroller no was else was aware of.  The steamroller even I was barely able to discern.  Because it didn't appear like a steamroller.  It had the form of a rather nice-looking woman who appeared pleasant to everyone else in the office.  Aside:  steamrollers i.e. bullies in the workplace, are very deceptive.  They rarely look like what they are.

I know this may be a bit on the abrupt side, but its time to stop the narrative for today.  To be resumed on the other side of the weekend.  See you Monday.

This is a familiar sign to those who canoe camp in Ontario's provincial parks.  It is a sign alerting canoeists of a portage.  A trail, sometimes long, sometimes short, sometimes easy, sometimes hard, between two lakes.  An exit - or entrance, if you will - from one lake to another.  A portal to a new adventure waiting on the other side.

In this blog series, I am approaching such a portage in my life.  Not there quite yet, but approaching it.  An exit from one work experience to another.  Unfortunately, like the portage where the canoeist(s) have to carry all their worldly goods, including canoe, over to the other side, I had a lot of baggage to carry with me. 

Workplace Abuse: Similarities in the experience

On one of my walks along the banks of the nearby river, I came across this tree which has been bowed and bent by winds, by storms, by high water levels, by currents.  Things it has absolutely no control over.  Nor does it have any control over the fact that it is at the river's edge.  Directly in the path of all of the former.  However, it is a survivor.  Although bent and bowed, it has not succumbed to the forces which impact it.  It is still there, providing shelter for the various birds to rest in and nest in.

Getting ahead of myself, as I've been writing this series on my first experience of workplace abuse, I've begun to see it, really see it for the first time, for what it was.  An experience I wasn't able to recognize for what it was at the time.  Workplace bullying.  The literature states that it takes the average target appoximately two years to recognize that they're being subjected to bullying behaviour in the workplace.  My first experience only lasted a period of some four and a half months; therefore, I did not recognize it for what it was at the time.  I only knew that it was excruciatingly painful.  I felt that it was my fault.  I was too blame.  If I'd only been ... prettier, smarter, (you fill in the blank), it would not have happened.  It was not until AFTER the second experience had ended, more than five years later, that I started connecting the dots.

It was not until I started recounting this first experience of workplace abuse for the purposes of the narrative, the story behind this blog of recovery from complex PTSD, that I finally recognized how well it fit into the parameters of workplace abuse.

During this piece of the journey, I've discovered that it's not the length of time that defines the damage; it's the intensity.  These were an incredibly intense four and a half months.

Writing this up, I've realized the similarities between the two experiences (which will hereafter be referred to as #1 and #2 in this particular posting).

Both were well-known, local companies started in the late 1800s by German immigrants.  Both in food production.

Both were in a period of transition at the time of my employment.  #1 had just employed the first non-family CEO in its history.  #2 was initially in the process of having been bought out, or taken over (whatever), by a huge multimillion dollar conglomerate.

Both were crying the "money" blues and were imposing stringent cutbacks.

Aside from corporate similarities, though, there were similarities in the patterns of the abuse which took place.

First, one person (myself) was targeted.  Someone who was different from the others.  In the first, case  I was on contract which made me an easy target.  In both, I was extremely good at what I did, well-liked and well-established.

Secondly, there was the phenomenon of isolation/exclusion.  Although the scenarios within which the isolation took place were completely different, the phenomenon remained the same.  In #1, the isolation was imposed from above by my manager and, possibly, by her manager.  It was imposed on me internally by rules, regulations, prohibitions which none of the other employees had, rather than externally. Restrictions such as being forbidden to reveal that I was on contract.  In the second, it was external isolation.  Isolation imposed on me by my co-workers.  Exclusion from conversations, meals, etc.

Both used words/terms that are vague, not easy to qualify and which had nothing to do at all with anything work-related.  In #1, I was constantly accused of being "unprofessional" and "loud".  Also "emotional" because of that one tear that one day.  In #2, I was accused of being "rude" and again "loud".  As time went on, they came up with more vague, undefinable, unqualifiable terms.  But nothing concrete.  None of the complaints had anything to do with my job or the way I handled it.   It had nothing to do with my accomplishments or anything work-related in either case.  Nor, in either case, was I given a chance to make amends.  The judgement(s) had been made.  Period.  They were irrevocable.

The most glaring similarity between the two, though, is that both attacked me at the very core of my being.  My self-concept.  My self-esteem.  In both cases, I was judged - in one by my superiors; in the second by my peers - and found lacking.  Nothing I did to change, to pull up my boot straps was  good enough in either situation.  By the time both were finished with me, there wasn't much left of my self-concept.  In fact, with #1 the destruction was so complete that for all practical intents and purposes there wasn't anything left.  I had been hit so hard and so often with all the negatives about who I am, that I could not see any positives.  I felt I had no value at all.

As I write this, I cannot seem to find the words to describe the incredible attack on my self-esteem, on me as a person, that occurred in workplace #1.  It was an on-going assault, levelled incident by incident over a period of time.  It wasn't just a one-time incident in either case, but something that was on-going.  It started small as in #1 with the supervisor treating me differently from the others originally and then escalating over time to become more and more obvious and damaging.  More focussed.  More targeted.  Until there was no other way to resolve the issue but termination - or leaving voluntarily.

Leaving me resembling this tree I'm featuring for today's posting.  Bent.  Bowed.  Damaged.  However, in workplace abuse, the damage is not physical.  No broken bones.  No external bruises.  Nothing anyone can see - unless they can see straight into a person's soul.  That's what makes it so devastating. We are the walking wounded.

My Story Continued: Tranquility Ends; The Storm Begins

Sunsets.  The peaceful end of another day.  A time not only of beauty but of tranquility.  A time when I let peace flood my soul and sooth my troubled thoughts.  A time I needed badly during my last few months at the first abusive workplace experience.

Even though there were red flags.  Even though my supervisor treated me noticeably different than my co-workers, things were more or less okay.

Until...

Until a co-worker was diagnosed with cancer and needed to take a couple of months off for surgery and recovery.  My supervisor decided that I could take over half of this co-worker's job.  The complicated half.  The half that took time to problem solve.  The half I had no knowledge of and would have to learn from scratch.  As they say, the learning curve went straight up.

In addition, she hired a former high school co-op student to handle the other half.  Inputting orders.  The mundane things.  I had my reservations as that student really had not been up to the challenges of the job when she was a co-op and working under supervision and mentorship.  How was she going to handle this on her own?

And how was I going to handle the overload when my own job took up my full eight hour shift and nothing was being taken away from my load?

As a customer service representative, I liaised with district managers, sales reps, third party warehouses and major accounts in Western Canada.  I inputted orders, handled returns, inputted sample orders for sales reps, even tracked product travelling across the country (a by-product from my co-op term), filed.  You name it, I probably did it.  I even took over ordering the office supplies.

My job had always been stressful.  Always one too many irons in the fire with one more just a phone call - or a fax - or an email - away.

I thrived on it, though.  Being a product of the post WWII baby boom, I took pride in a job well done.  I threw everything I had into (a) doing the job and (b) doing the job well.  I had learned good customer service skills from an eight year stint in a call centre which closed in 2002, and I cultivated good working relationships with the sales team, the district managers, their administrative assistants and the major customers.  I became known as someone they could go to when they needed help with the system, etc. They learned that I was honest and that while I might not be able to address their issue immediately, I would get to it as soon as possible.

All of that was soon to be tested - severely.

My training consisted of three days divided with the former co-op.  As she was the needier, she got the most attention.

The week after the other employee left for her surgery.  The week I was alone on the job with inadequate training.  The week I started working nine, ten and sometimes twelve hour days to get the job done.  I would start the day with my co-worker's responsibilities.  It wasn't unusual for it to be well after noon when I would finally be able to get to my own responsibilities.

Just when I thought I had a handle on things, that I could do this despite the inadequate training, despite the overload, despite the lack of mentoring from my supervisor, and just when I thought I was done with my co-worker's responsibilities for that particular working day, the warehouse on the floor below me lost an order.

In my regular position, this was not an issue.  Or at least not an issue for me, as the third-party warehouses I liaised with were not on WHMS (Warehouse Management System).  Any issues and I would call my liaison in the third-party warehouse out west and they would  handle the issue.  With the added responsibilities which now included our warehouse downstairs, I had had to learn WHMS which was a challenge in and of itself.  Add to this that I had only been taught the bare basics and I think you have an idea where this might be going.

The person "down below" who would normally have handled this problem was out of the office for a few days.  Remember how I mentioned one of the "red flags  about people's personalities and rough edges?  Well, I was about to come face to face with one. One I didn't expect.

Running downstairs to place what I thought would be my last task of the day, the man handling the responsibilities that week, a crusty old-timer who had been with the company "forever" (well, almost, or it seemed like it) called me into his cubicle and raked me over the coals demanding that I locate the missing order.

I had no idea how to find it.  How to problem solve it.  What to do.  And I was confused.  Why was it my issue?  I knew I had placed it.  Wasn't it up to the warehouse to find it?

I went back up the stairs meeting a co-worker on the way.  It was only the two of us and I unexpectedly came out with:  "I can't do anything f----ing right."  Strong language.  Unusual language for me too.  I continued my way upstairs to try to figure out how in heaven's name I was going to find this order.  I asked the only other person in the office who knew WHMS.  He showed me how to look up past orders and we discovered that I had indeed inputted it.  It was at that point where my supervisor came storming into the office.  Angry at me.  For being loud.  For using profanity when it was an everyday occurrence?  For being human?  I don't know for sure what made her so angry, but she was and she let me know in no uncertain terms that my behaviour was "unprofessional" and unacceptable.

Her method of handling the crisis?  Write an email to the person who was off asking him to find it.

Problem was.  Three days later after that employee returned, it was still missing.  No one had bothered to read the email and look for the product.  It was dumped back on my lap again.

Eventually, the missing order was found.  Tucked away in some corner of the warehouse.

Finding it was not, and never had been, my responsibility.  There was no way I would have known what the warehouse staff would have done with it once it was filled.  But I learned from that experience.  I learned more about WHMS.  How to track things.  How to ensure that this didn't happen again.

But none of that was good enough for my supervisor.  From that day on, life in the workplace became more and more difficult.

I discovered later that the employee who called me into his cubicle and raked me over the coals that day had a pattern of doing that.  Picking out a new employee or one who was new to that particular job and giving them a very hard time.  Especially if they were a woman.

Tomorrow, when we pick up the narrative, I will focus on the supervisor.  Her demands.  Her perspective.  What she wanted.  What she didn't want.  There is where we enter into the phase of workplace abuse.  A phase which lasted for approximately the next four months.  A phase which ended when my contract did and I was worked out the day before it officially ended.  A phase which hurled me and my emotions into a world of hurt.

Until then I leave you with this visual image of waves crashing into the shoreline.  A visual image of the emotional turbulence I experienced during the last months of this abusive workplace experience.

Coming Back to Life after Workplace Abuse

Most of the last several years I've preferred to remain like this - a shadow figure.  Seen but not really seen.

I feel a bit like Snow White, waking up from a very long sleep.  Actually, it's been more like coming slowly out of a coma - by minute increments.  A piece here.  Another piece there.  Connecting the dots.  Learning to live again.  To come awake - fully awake - to both the injustice and the beauty of life post-bullying.

Unlike Snow White there is no Prince Charming.  No kiss.  No dwarfs.  There is no happily ever after.  With workplace abuse, there rarely is.

There is, however, the vain, jealous queen aka co-worker peering into her looking glass inquiring who in the workplace is ... the brightest, the most competent, the most well-liked or well-established ... or whatever.  There is also a group of disenchanted townspeople or villagers aka bystanders willing to look up to, admire and follow the queen wherever she goes and believe without question whatever she says.  After all, she's the queen.  Who would think for themselves when someone else can think for them?  Isn't it easier all around that way?

For me, the awakening is about reclaiming myself from midst of the debris of my self-esteem which cloaks me like the wrappings around a mummy.  Or like an early morning fog.

Forced into silence by fear, my greatest awakening is realizing that I not only have a story to tell but a right to tell my story.  It's my story.  Uniquely mine.  Yes, it involves others who behaved in negative ways - ways that caused a lot of internal psychological and emotional damage and trauma - but that is simply a prop to propel the story of recovery on.  To make sense of the journey of recovery.

If the injury had been caused by a physical accident such as a car crash, there wouldn't be any issue in that regard.  It would be a no-brainer.  I would certainly be recognized as having a right to tell the story, to show the cast - or the bandages - or the bruises - or the stitches.  If the accident was traumatic or newsworthy enough, it would have been featured on the local news in which case there wouldn't be any questions of slander, libel or defamation of character.  But workplace abuse is different.  Because it's non-visible.  Because it operates best in a culture of silence.  Because too many people are willing to let it.

For me, the most consistent piece of the recovery process has been an attempt to move forward by focussing on my dreams to become a writer.  Lifelong dreams sidetracked years ago by the realities of life.

To start, I've taken two on-line courses:  Social Media 101 and Blogging 101.

Social Media was a fearful adventure for me.  I had to write a bio.  I had to get onto and learn how to use various forms of social media:  LinkedIn, Twitter, Flickr, etc.

I'd been on LinkedIn for several years, but was consumed by fear.  After all, if I could see others' profiles on LinkedIn, so could those who had caused all this damage.  What would they do if they saw my profile on LinkedIn and accessed this blog?  How would they perceive it?

I lived in fear.  I still do to a degree.

I was starting to slowly come out of the paralysis of fear when I signed up for Blogging 101 which has made me realize that the focus of my blog is on my years-long, on-going journey of recovery from complex PTSD.  Not primarily on what happened but what has been happening since then and because of it.  However, the two - the bullying and the recovery - are irrevocably intertwined since I couldn't be recovering from one without the other.

I value - and invite - your comments.  What would you like to see covered in this blog?  Would you be willing to tell me your story and have it featured on this blog?

I invite you, the reader, to join me on this journey.

Part of reclaiming my life - I can't ride a normal bike because of the affects of the psychological trauma so I had a bike shop adapt this one for my needs.  Thank you King Street Cycle, Waterloo, Ontario