Depression: Who Really Cares Outside a Small Circle of Friends?

Decades ago, in the late 60s and early 70s, there was a coffee house (not to be confused with all the coffee shops that litter our streets in our current culture where people buy lattes and work on their laptops) in Dayton, Ohio called the Lemon Tree.  Next to an small theatre which showed arty films.  Both places attracted the arty people, hippies, folk music buffs.

It was there that I heard Phil Ochs perform - a folk singer/songwriter well known for his protest sons - back in the 60s.  I've forgotten everything he sang EXCEPT one sone which rang so true with me called "Outside A Small Circle of Friends" which was based on the murder of a woman in New York City named Kitty Genovese in 1964.  Over more than a half hour period of time, this poor woman was stabbed repeatedly while those in the area who heard who screams did nothing.  Thirty-seven people in all have been identified who heard the screams - and did nothing.  No phone calls to the police or emergency personnel.  No attempts to stop the attack.  Nothing.  Kitty's attacker even left her for a bit and then returned to finish her off in the hallway of her apartment building.  Yet people, the bystanders - did nothing.

Phil Ochs' song starts and ends with these words: 

Oh, look outside the window/There's a wlman being grabbed/They've dragged her to the bushes/And now she's being stabbed.

Maybe we should call the cops/And try to stop the pain/But Monopoly is so much fun/I'd hate to blow the game

And I'm sure/It wouldn't interest anybody/Outside a small circle of friends. (refrain)

With the words:  And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody outside of a small circle of friends.

I read in the paper in the mid-70s that Phil Ochs had committed suicide by jumping out of a window. 

It was a different world back then.  No 911 - at least when Kitty Genovese was murdered. No PCs - or Apple.  No internet.  No laptops or wifi.   Computers were so big that they took up entire buildings and you had to have a degree to run them.  No social media. I think his tragic death went back largely unnoticed except for small articles in the paper and a small circle of friends.

These 13 words "And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody outside a small circle of friends" have stayed with me all these years, and I've often felt their impact in my struggles with depression, my experience up close and personal with workplace bullying and my subsequent journey towards recovery.

*******

The news this week has been full of the suicide of well known comedian Robin Williams who suffered from depression.  Instantly, articles started cropping up on social media. Twitter and Facebook started to be full of links not only to Robin Williams, the person and actor, but also about depression.  What it is. What it isn't.  How it affects people.  What to say. What not to say.  Etc.

Robin Williams was a great comedian whose humour affected many, many people.  Yet, he apparently he lived a life of quiet desperation.  A life where he was so tormented and so bereft of hope for a better, more hopeful tomorrow that he committed what I deem the ultimate act of despair:  suicide.  Just like Phil Ochs did all those years ago.

Same phenomenon.  Same conclusion that life was not worth living.  Same outcome - the death of a very talented performer.

There are many of us on this planet who live lives of quiet desperation.  Unnoticed except outside a small circle of friends.

There are many of us who yearn for more, who struggle with depression and hopelessness, who just want to know that someone cares.  Who just want an outstretched hand to reach out to keep us from drowning in the waves of despair which keep washing over us.

The point I want to make here is that many of us - and be us I don't mean just people like me who have been traumatized by workplace abuse but also the population at large - live lives of quiet desperation.  Lives filled with acquaintances perhaps but no real friends.  Busy lives.  Even productive lives.  But at the core of our very being something seems to be missing.

That connection where we feel that we are really valued not for what we do, but for who we are.  Even when we are down for the count.

Often during this lonely sojourn on the way back from workplace abuse, I've felt lost and alone. (My struggles against the temptation of suicide are written in a previous post:  "The Danger of Suicide".)

Those words "outside a small circle of friends" seems to fit my life so much.

But yet, I remind myself time and again that I. Have. That. Small. Circle. Of. Friends. and that they are valuable, very valuable.  They alone are the reason I'm still here.  They alone are the reason that I haven't joined the ranks of those who have given up, thrown in the towel and committed the ultimate act of despair:  suicide.

They may be a small circle but they are a circle, and they are friends.  I value them.

Thank you for being there with me on the journey.  I'd rather have a small circle of committed people covering my back and cheering me on the journey than a larger group of less committed people.

Until tomorrow....

When Did the Workplace Become So Dangerous?

As I work through this series on bullying, what it is and why it's important to be able to recognize it and deal appropriately with it, I am going to use different formats.  Some will be like the last post on the definition of bullying, working with my research and giving it to you the reader in small bites.  Some may be reviews of books that I've read which have helped me on this journey of self discovery and recovery.  Hopefully, at some point, I'll be able to recruit some guest bloggers to give their perspective on either this challenge or other life challenges that they've encountered and are working through/recovering from.

Today, I give you my thoughts, as written down more than a year ago.  This is only a piece, a small piece, of my story.

This is the prologue I wrote for what appears to be a "book in progress" I've been working on and off for over three years now about bullying in the workplace.  Actually. more off than on.  It's working title is Taking Off the Rose-Coloured Glasses:  What to do when Conflict Resolution doesn’t work AKA The Bully in the Corner Cubicle

Bullying: When did the workplace become so dangerous?

I think perhaps the workplace changed and became dangerous sometime in the interim when I was busy raising my children, occupied with the home and family and not paying attention to the larger, outside world.  

Maybe it was when I ran my own typing service and was self employed and again living within a world of my own making.  

Or maybe just maybe, it has always been there – in the background, the elephant in the office begging for recognition.  Begging for someone to come forward and tell it like it is.  Clamouring for a voice for the voiceless, power for the powerless and justice for those whose lives have been irreparably damaged by the hidden, unseen, unspoken phenomenon of bullying in the workplace.  

I am a victim of bullying in the workplace.  Not once but twice. 

I am also a victim of bullying several times in school.  My daughter was twice a victim of school bullying.  My cousin was bullied in her workplace.  As I open up and talk to people I run into, I find that the woman who now owns a bead shop was a victim of bullying; ditto the woman who is a server as a local restaurant; a friend on Facebook, someone I met in a computer workshop.  

All the stories are different.  But all the stories have the same common themes.  Injustice.  Severe stress.  A workplace unable or unwilling to hear the victim and take appropriate action.  

And then the breakdown of health and the ultimate early leave taking of the victim.  

I have just lost both my health and my job courtesy of my second round of bullying in the workplace.

Workplace bullying is a very complex issue.  No two scenarios are identical but there are threads running through each one.  So far, I've not seen one example of serious, down-to-earth, or what I call tai-kwon-du bullying resolved by management and Human Resources or the union.  Why?  Because none of these sectors have seriously studied the issue and learned of its patterns.

In my present round of bullying, it took me approximately two years to realize what was happening to me in the workplace.  That it indeed did have a name – and that name was bullying.  

Since that time, I have been researching over the net what bullying is, how it relates to me, and does it relate to me?  How to combat it.  It was through this search that I discovered that what had happened to me earlier in my prior workplace, although very different in the way it was carried out, was indeed bullying.  

Since the time I discovered that I was being bullied in the workplace, I have tried, unsuccessfully, to have it stopped.  

This is my story and what I've learned as I've reluctantly trudged down this road I would rather have avoided.

And that is where I will leave us today with this post.  This is indeed my story.  My thoughts.  My perceptions.  My journey.  And, ultimately, my journey into recovery.

See you next time....

A Working Definition of Bullying

Carrying on from the last posting, the first on a series of what bullying is....  What is bullying?  Why should it be a concern in the workplace?

After all, isn't it just a personality conflict between two people?  It doesn't really hurt anybody anyway, does it?

I mean, it's not violent. It doesn't leave marks or break bones.  It doesn't kill anyone.  So why are you fixating on it so much, Cassie?

First of all, bullying is not just a personality conflict between two people.  Nor is it a figment of the target's imagination.  It is not an assumption or perception.  And while it is not a form of physical violence (although it can escalate to physical violence if left unchecked),  according to Melanie Joy Douglas, Monster.ca in her article Workplace Bullying:

"Bullying is a form of workplace violence.  It is an offensive behaviour, a grab for control, and an exercise of power that attempts to undermine an individual through humiliation.   Bullying is vindictive, cruel, and malicious conduct that takes the form of verbally, social, psychologically, and/or physically hurting someone.  The attacks are unpredictable and irrational.

So far, this is by far, the best, most direct, most concise, and most objective definition of bullying that I've found.  She calls it like it is.  Pulling no punches.

She goes on to describe the difference between harassment and bullying citing Colleen Clarke, Monster's career advisor,

"Harassment is not necessarily ongoing.  It's not particularly meant to intimidate.  It could be that someone makes fun of the fact that you wear a turban.  It might only happen once.  ...  Bullying, on the other hand, constitutes repeated incidences, a pattern of behaviour.  It's intended to intimidate, offend, or humiliate a person.  Bullying is a form of aggression, and while the actions can be obvious or subtle - it's intended."

It's important to know the difference between harassment and bullying as most, if not all, companies by now have been compelled through legislation to draft harassment policies.  Harassment policies are based on human rights legislation.  For example, in Canada if I am being discriminated against or harassed in the workplace because of my ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc., then it is a human rights violation and I can petition to the Human Rights Board of Canada for redress.  Bullying is completely different.  It can be based on something so basic as "so and so" simply does not like "so and so" and wants to get rid of her/him.

Problem:  although I have reason to believe that what happened to me may have had its origins in my religious beliefs i.e. Christian and/or my country of origin i.e. U.S., yesterday's schoolyard bullies are all grown up now - and much more sophisticated in their approach.  They are going to take care to ensure that their behaviour does not carry any whiff of bias or human rights violations.

Working through the quotes above:

• Bullying is a form of workplace violence
• Bullying is about power
• Bullying is about control
• It is vindictive
• It is unpredictable and irrational
• It is not harassment
• It is a form of aggression
• It is a pattern of behaviour
• It can be subtle or obvious i.e. overt or covert
• And ... it is intentional. 

Writing this has exhausted me - and taken several days to work through.

Right now, it's enough - more than enough - to leave you, the reader, to chew through, to ponder on.

It's a first step.  A foundation stone in the process of understanding what bullying is.  Why it's important to understand.  And why it should not be tolerated in the workplace.

Until next time....

New Series: What Is Bullying?

In order to get a grasp of what recovery looks like, tastes like, and feels like, it is important to get a grasp of what workplace abuse aka bullying aka psychological harassment aka small "h" harassment (versus big "H" harassment, the kind covered by humans rights legislation) is.  What it does.  How it operates.

What factors cause it to thrive in the workplace.

I've already described my first run in with workplace bullying in a series this summer which ran from roughly late May to sometime in July.  With side trips interspersed here and there along the way to more pleasant locations to relieve the stress.

Writing about this topic is hard.  Living it has been excruciating.  Writing about it while in the process of recovering from it is ... interesting.  Difficult.

It brings back the uncertainty, the emotional upheaval I went through.  So why would I want to revisit these places by writing about them?

Why indeed?

Because I feel that it is necessary.

We, the abused in the workplace, are the voiceless, the faceless, the powerless.

I had no voice.  All voice I had was taken away from me by the incessant gossip rampant in the workplace.

I had no power.  Again, all the power belonged to those who were abusing me.

Why?

I've often asked myself that question.  During ... and after.

Why?  Why did people believe lies?  Why couldn't management, HR and the union see the illogic in the situation?  Why was I forced to sign away all my legal rights in a local donut shop with only a union official present?

Why?

Why?  Because no one in authority i.e. management, HR or the union had the slightest idea of what the phenomenon of bullying was all about.  No one was researching it.  No one had formal, or even informal training, on what was happening.  Yet, ironically, there are tons of resources on the net which could have been accessed.  In this day and age, bullying is becoming more and more evident.  There are agencies which run workshops for employers to open their eyes as to what bullying is - and how to deal with it.  Yet, no one in my workplace was interested.

I had, and still continue to research it on the internet.  But no one believed me.  No one was willing to listen.  No one was willing to sit down at the keyboard and type keywords into a search engine.

It was like I was living in a void.  In isolation.  In denial.  Denial not by me, but denial by those around me. Those who could have - and should have - protected me from the horror of what I was experiencing every day of my working life.

I knew what was happening to me.  I had research, reams of papers printed off the net, to prove it.  But.No.One.Would.Listen.  No.One.Would.Believe.That.I.Knew.What.I.Was.Talking.About.

It was all pushed aside as opinions, assumptions, perceptions.  Never as fact.

One person even went so far as to dismiss my research on the net by saying dismissively that "you can make the net say anything you want."

To be honest, you can.  If you take only one article, one source, that justifies your position.  But I had multiple sources that all said the same, or similar things.  I always wondered if that person had gone to college or university and written research papers.  If she had, she would have known that you need multiple sources to back up your position.  And I had them.

I implored one person to listen to an archived radio broadcast on bullying, but she pushed it aside saying that she wouldn't get the same thing out of it that I did.

That may be true enough.  She is not going to feel the impact because she is not going through what I was going through.  She was a bystander.  An influential bystander being management, but a bystander nonetheless.

So I am going to start laying the foundation by culling from all the papers I've printed off on what bullying is.

Why?  Because to me it is important to give not only myself, but also the thousands of others who are going through workplace abuse or have already gone through it a voice.

Note:  Because of the heavy duty nature of the subject matter, this blog may be on the irregular side posting only once or twice a week.  Or I may intersperse the dialogue with pleasanter, lighter topics such as trips ... or pictures.  Whatever.  I thank each one of you who has stood by me and reads this blog.  

Blessings.