Workplace Abuse - The Continuing Experience

Twilight to me is a magical time.  A time when sunbeams dance on the water.  A time when the raucous sounds of the day are replaced by a quietness, a peace.  These are the times I love to walk by the river, (ever-present) camera in hand drinking in the quietness, the peace, the beauty.  Enjoying the serenity, letting it sink deep into my troubled soul.  Soothing away the emotional aches and pains at least for a while of the journey.

The end was drawing near.  At the beginning I felt hope.  As the process of bullying aka psychological harassment aka small "h" harassment continued to inexorably progress slowly ever so slowly like lumbering heavy duty equipment demolishing whatever is in its path, hope was slowly replaced by despair.

The meeting we were to have at the beginning of the new year, did not happen.  I was never given a chance to ask questions as in was my pay raise included in the new contract.  When it came time to signing, I was called into her office at the end of the day without warning.  The contract was covered except for the signature part.  Still in a state of surprise by the abrupt, unexpected meeting, I signed.  Days later, it dawned on me that maybe there was a reason it was covered.  Maybe there was a reason it was done on the fly.  Maybe.

I think my feeling not only the day I misguidedly signed that contract but also on a consistent basis was akin to that of a deer caught in the headlights.  Frozen.  Staring.  Caught by surprise.

My supervisor was constantly criticizing me for what she perceived as my deficiencies.  She completely devalued the cross-training I did have i.e. with inventory and focused on what I did not have.  Yet, I often wondered if she even had a clue as to the things I was doing?  The value I did have for the department as a whole?

Ironically, during this same time frame when I was constantly being devalued by one person, the supervisor, I was showing great value in other ways to other people - ironically manager type people. One I taught how to do returns when it became part of her job - a part she was never trained on.  She told me later, that I had helped her greatly in her first days on the job with my pleasant attitude and my help.

BUT it was not good enough for my supervisor.

Another manager who was in charge of trucking charges, etc. also sought my advice and help on different issues.  She was a manager, I was in an entry-level position.  She expressed gratitude for my help.

BUT ... it was not good enough for my supervisor.

Somehow, I also became the one who ordered the supplies for the office and kept the supply cabinet full.  Ditto when the fax machine was full of papers, I would empty it and put things in the correct employee's slot.  Thus quietly making everyone's life a little easier.

BUT ... it was not good enough.

I often wondered if my supervisor had any idea of the work I did quietly in that office?  Did she really know?  More importantly, did she care?

What was more important to her?  Her agenda?  Or the well-being of the office?

I often wondered.

Towards the end of my contract, the dreaded annual evaluation came up.  That would have been fearful enough EXCEPT the department changed it that year.  Things that would have reflected positive on me were deleted.  Things that reflected negatively were added.

By that time, I was a mess emotionally.  Insecure.  Confused.

My lifeline was my faith.  My guidebook was my Bible.  Those were the two things that kept me tied to any sense of stability.  That and the constant support of my family.  My neighbours were aware too of what was happening in the workplace - and they were concerned.  There really wasn't much anyone could do.

As the time shortened and the stress became brutal, I felt like walking out.

Many people have asked since then:  "Why didn't you?  It was very clear that they wanted you to, so why didn't you?"

Maybe because I'm contrary and wasn't about to do what they wanted me to.

Maybe because I value integrity as part of my commitment to following God in my life.

Maybe because I'm not a quitter.

The biggest reason though has to do with the integrity issue.  I had signed a contract.  And I intended to honour that contract to the bitter end if need be.  Whether they wanted me to or not was beside the issue.

Also, in the back of my mind, I realized that part of their strategy would be to say that I was not "a fit" for them because I was "unstable" if I were to simply walk out.  I would have validated them - and I had no intention of doing so.

I'm also stubborn.

Maybe too stubborn for my own good.

In those moments, before the sun makes its final descent for the days, the seagulls come out on the river, flying here and there.  Flying low.  Diving into the water.  Are they feasting?  Or are they just enjoying their ability to fly?  The ducks below them are also serenely floating, maybe enjoying some juicy duck gossip or just relaxing after a long day on the river.

Workplace Abuse: Similarities in the experience

On one of my walks along the banks of the nearby river, I came across this tree which has been bowed and bent by winds, by storms, by high water levels, by currents.  Things it has absolutely no control over.  Nor does it have any control over the fact that it is at the river's edge.  Directly in the path of all of the former.  However, it is a survivor.  Although bent and bowed, it has not succumbed to the forces which impact it.  It is still there, providing shelter for the various birds to rest in and nest in.

Getting ahead of myself, as I've been writing this series on my first experience of workplace abuse, I've begun to see it, really see it for the first time, for what it was.  An experience I wasn't able to recognize for what it was at the time.  Workplace bullying.  The literature states that it takes the average target appoximately two years to recognize that they're being subjected to bullying behaviour in the workplace.  My first experience only lasted a period of some four and a half months; therefore, I did not recognize it for what it was at the time.  I only knew that it was excruciatingly painful.  I felt that it was my fault.  I was too blame.  If I'd only been ... prettier, smarter, (you fill in the blank), it would not have happened.  It was not until AFTER the second experience had ended, more than five years later, that I started connecting the dots.

It was not until I started recounting this first experience of workplace abuse for the purposes of the narrative, the story behind this blog of recovery from complex PTSD, that I finally recognized how well it fit into the parameters of workplace abuse.

During this piece of the journey, I've discovered that it's not the length of time that defines the damage; it's the intensity.  These were an incredibly intense four and a half months.

Writing this up, I've realized the similarities between the two experiences (which will hereafter be referred to as #1 and #2 in this particular posting).

Both were well-known, local companies started in the late 1800s by German immigrants.  Both in food production.

Both were in a period of transition at the time of my employment.  #1 had just employed the first non-family CEO in its history.  #2 was initially in the process of having been bought out, or taken over (whatever), by a huge multimillion dollar conglomerate.

Both were crying the "money" blues and were imposing stringent cutbacks.

Aside from corporate similarities, though, there were similarities in the patterns of the abuse which took place.

First, one person (myself) was targeted.  Someone who was different from the others.  In the first, case  I was on contract which made me an easy target.  In both, I was extremely good at what I did, well-liked and well-established.

Secondly, there was the phenomenon of isolation/exclusion.  Although the scenarios within which the isolation took place were completely different, the phenomenon remained the same.  In #1, the isolation was imposed from above by my manager and, possibly, by her manager.  It was imposed on me internally by rules, regulations, prohibitions which none of the other employees had, rather than externally. Restrictions such as being forbidden to reveal that I was on contract.  In the second, it was external isolation.  Isolation imposed on me by my co-workers.  Exclusion from conversations, meals, etc.

Both used words/terms that are vague, not easy to qualify and which had nothing to do at all with anything work-related.  In #1, I was constantly accused of being "unprofessional" and "loud".  Also "emotional" because of that one tear that one day.  In #2, I was accused of being "rude" and again "loud".  As time went on, they came up with more vague, undefinable, unqualifiable terms.  But nothing concrete.  None of the complaints had anything to do with my job or the way I handled it.   It had nothing to do with my accomplishments or anything work-related in either case.  Nor, in either case, was I given a chance to make amends.  The judgement(s) had been made.  Period.  They were irrevocable.

The most glaring similarity between the two, though, is that both attacked me at the very core of my being.  My self-concept.  My self-esteem.  In both cases, I was judged - in one by my superiors; in the second by my peers - and found lacking.  Nothing I did to change, to pull up my boot straps was  good enough in either situation.  By the time both were finished with me, there wasn't much left of my self-concept.  In fact, with #1 the destruction was so complete that for all practical intents and purposes there wasn't anything left.  I had been hit so hard and so often with all the negatives about who I am, that I could not see any positives.  I felt I had no value at all.

As I write this, I cannot seem to find the words to describe the incredible attack on my self-esteem, on me as a person, that occurred in workplace #1.  It was an on-going assault, levelled incident by incident over a period of time.  It wasn't just a one-time incident in either case, but something that was on-going.  It started small as in #1 with the supervisor treating me differently from the others originally and then escalating over time to become more and more obvious and damaging.  More focussed.  More targeted.  Until there was no other way to resolve the issue but termination - or leaving voluntarily.

Leaving me resembling this tree I'm featuring for today's posting.  Bent.  Bowed.  Damaged.  However, in workplace abuse, the damage is not physical.  No broken bones.  No external bruises.  Nothing anyone can see - unless they can see straight into a person's soul.  That's what makes it so devastating. We are the walking wounded.

Real Life versus TV

Inactivity - especially forced inactivity - does not suit me.

I mean, I've always been low energy but I was always able to work and pursue my interests.

Enthusiasm for life.

Now ... it's gone.  At least for the time being.  Due to circumstances beyond my control.

During this time of debilitating circumstances and recovery, I've started following certain TV series on the net.  My favorites:  NCIS, Criminal Minds, NCIS Los Angeles and Bones.

However, I don't look at these shows as mere stories for entertainment; I look at them through the lens of recovering from abusive interpersonal relationships in a work setting.

I see the interactions, the verbal jabs and sparring, the distinctive individual personality traits and quirks that while they do cause tension are accepted - more or less - within the workplace.

Take NCIS for instance.  If this were a "normal" e.g. OK real life workplace, Gibbs, the functional mute who controls his team with mere looks, the occasional terse statement (and threat of unemployment) through the force of his dominant personality and the occasional slap upside the head would be considered abusive.

Dinozzo, our "rich" playboy of Italian origin, would be up on a daily basis for sexual harassment with his constant probing into his females counterpart's personal life.

Abby, the resident goth, is extremely intelligent and gifted in her work, also has distinctive although endearing personality traits including her atire.  Chatty. What real workplace would tolerate her dress code and quirks?  Even given her ability to do the job and do it well?  To solve the puzzles?  She would be a huge threat to those around her who were more average in their IQ and abilities.

She and McGee, the computer nerd and geek, are my two personal favorites.  Although Abby has been accepted by the crew as indispensable,  McGee still needs to earn his spot within the team's social framework. With his superior ability on all things technical aspect, McGee too is different from the others and Dinozzo loves to tease him, constantly putting him down in front of the others.  Constantly demoralizing him.  Constantly playing tricks on him.  Constantly ... well ... constantly being Dinozzo.

I could go on and on about these characters and their interactions.

But this is TV.   Real life is not like this.  A TV show has a team of writers, constantly working together on dialogue.  The dialogues are carefully scripted.  The interactions.  Everything.  Even who plays what role.  In fact, I believe that more time and care is spent on casting one character for a one-time role in an episode, than most employers put into researching those they hire for a permanent spot on their "team".

In the workplace, this kind of scripting simply does not - and cannot - exist.  We fly by the seat of our pants on a daily basis.  We interact.  We react.   Sometimes, we're even able to respond - but not always or often.

We don't put up with others' quirks.  We assume that if a person is different from us, there is something wrong with them.  Since we find them difficult to understand and work with, we want them out.

Forget tolerance.  Forget competence.  Forget everything but the heat of the moment.

In everyday life, we filter everything through the lens of our own personality, our own perceptions and assumptions about the world and our place in it.  We filter everything through our past experiences and how they have impacted us.

If we're lucky, we're also filtering things through the lens of recovery.  But so many people prefer to stay the way they are.  They don't know that there is anything better out there for them.  They're stuck - like Dinozzo in his 16 year old mentality.  They don't even know that they're stuck.  This is normal for them.  And because it's normal, they resist change any way they can.

Anyone who comes across their path who is different, emotionally healthier, etc. is perceived as a threat.

Threats you get rid of.

I wish life were more like a TV show.  With a set script.  A set destination.