Post Workplace Abuse: Friends - The Importance of Healthy Relationships

Where are we now in our journey through surviving and recovering from workplace abuse?  I almost feel like we're back at the Head of Trails pictured here at Cypress Lake National Park, Tobermory, Ontario.  The main, most popular, trail leads to the Grotto where there are steep cliffs and good swimming.  However, there are many side trails available to walk - some longer than others, some which reconnect to the main trail and some which don't.

I've noticed that on the road to recovery, I might be following many paths all at the same time.  The main one being the on-going focus on recovery.  However, as I've mentioned before, workplace abuse and, therefore, its many affects is complicated.  It affects many areas of our lives concurrently, and I end up working on all of these areas in give or take the same time frame, although not all with the same intensity.

Currently, in my daily journey towards recovery I am actively working on debunking the lies of "perceptions and assumptions" while at the same time working on socialization i.e. relationships.

So today, we're taking a "side trip" into a path that has cropped up lately in my journey and which is causing me to do a lot of analyzing and thinking.

The path of friends and relationships.  Healthy relationships.  What do they look like?  Is everyone a candidate?

So today, we take a side trip into another part of the story.

*******

Lately my thoughts have been turning to friends. Not specific people though.  But what that kind of relationship looks like.  What it's all about.  Especially among adults.  I mean we're no longer children here.  In my 60s I'm not going to have the same kinds of relationships I had in my early childhood years.  Nor will it resemble those I had - or rather didn't have - in my adolescent or even university years.  "Mature" people need mature relationships.

In my journey through my two experiences with workplace abuse, I abruptly lost two sets of relationships which, at that time, were very important to me:  first, when my contract ended at the first bullying situation and I was escorted out the door; second,when I threw my Bible on the floor of the church library and incurred the wrath of our senior pastor.  Because of his anger, I didn't feel I could return.  In neither situation, did anyone feel that they could contact me.  So at two times when I needed relationships the most, they simply weren't there (except of course for my family - and that's a whole other side trip).

Wait a minute, you might say.  What about three sets of important relationships?  What about your most recent experience with workplace abuse? Didn't you lose contact abruptly with those people too?

The answer is yes, I did lose contact with those people in that now former workplace.  But the answer is also, no, because I held myself aloof from those people after my first workplace abuse experience ended so abruptly and badly.  I did not allow myself to get close to these people.

Why?

Because I didn't want to be hurt again.  Because I think part of me realized that these people might well be another "transient" population in my life journey.  And also, because like the situation before, this one was not permanent - at least originally.  I was on a maternity leave contract.

In the first situation, I wanted desperately a full-time, permanent position, and my employers kept holding out the proverbial carrot attached to a stick which kept being just out of my reach.  Unfortunately, hubby and I realized after the fact that the stick with the carrot had been attached to my tail so to speak, so it would always be the same elusive length head of me and it would never be possible for me to catch it.

I realized that way too late.

So, this time I went into a temporary situation with a completely different mindset.  I would do my best to keep this position operating efficiently so that this person, on her return, would have a well-running desk to return to.  I didn't allow myself to even think of this position becoming permanent UNTIL the woman whose position I was filling took on a different job within the company.  At which time, the maternity leave vacancy became null and void and I was either going to be out of a job immediately or hired to fill the vacancy.

I got the vacancy and being a permanent member of the team.

BUT, the damage, the hurt, the sense of violation from the first experience was still very raw.  Still completely unhealed.  I was walking through a desert experience.  A dry and thirsty land where there was no water, no understanding of what I'd been through and, therefore, no understanding of why I wasn't able to "let go" of the experience, why it was still with me every minute, every hour, every day of my waking life from the very first moment I opened my eyes in the morning until the last moment at night when sleep finally - with great difficulty - claimed me.

Because none of us really realized that that experience constituted workplace bullying aka workplace abuse, none of us realized the impact of trauma and PTSD.  The damage.  The injury.  Not even the therapist I was seeing at that time.  Especially not her as she became abusive.  She not only had no understanding of what PTSD was, which meant that she also had no background in trauma, she felt that even if I did have PTSD it would not change the dynamics of her therapy model.

Thus, she not only didn't help me, couldn't help me, but she damaged me further.

This is not to say that I didn't have people around me, but I built such a wall around my emotions, that all my interactions were kept at arm's length.  I may have had quite a few acquaintances, but I had no real friends.

It was not until I discovered my new therapist, that the on-going journey of recovery began.

*******

It looks like the deranged mind has rambled, hopefully temporarily, onto a side path that will at some point reconnect to the main path of trauma and how ignorance of trauma hinders those who are attempting to walk with the survivor (or victim) of workplace abuse.  

Until the below collection of physical trails in a Canadian national park which are neatly laid out, those trails the survivor of workplace abuse follows are not neatly laid out and whereas physically, it is only possible to access one trail at a time, emotionally us survivors may be working on any numbers of "trails" at any given time concurrently.

Looking closer in relationships has been a huge part of my journey in the last few months which is why I'm turning aside on this blog for a short time, to look at it a bit more closer.

I have a feeling we'll be jumping back and forth between relationships, perceptions and assumptions i.e. lies and trauma quite a bit in the posts to come.

Until tomorrow ....

What I've Learned on the Road to Recovery Post Complex PTSD, Part 2

       Today is the second half of the list I wrote several years ago re: what I've learned in this journey.  Although several years have passed since I wrote this and there has been a lot more water i.e. trauma and damage under the bridge, it is just as valid now as it was then.

      Sometimes, it's good to look back.  And remember.  Where I've come from ... and where I am now.

¬ I’ve learned that while some people don’t smile, a surprising number do.

¬ We laugh a lot more.

¬ We share inside jokes.

¬ I’m learning to recognize the hand of God in things.

¬ I’m more thankful.

¬ I’m quicker to express appreciation for small things which mean a lot.

¬ I’m more spontaneous.

¬ I’ve gained confidence.

¬ There’s usually a bounce in my step that was never there before.

¬ I’m learning that I’m “wired differently” and that’s it’s OK to be different.

¬ I feel more accepted by myself and by others.

¬ Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that it’s real.

¬ I’m learning to savour the good moments like a gourmet chocolate and not to devour them quickly.

¬ I discovered by accident that if one takes a few steps back, the scene/perspective is totally different and different things come into focus that were not seen in the close up view.

¬ I’m learning to face my fears and break their power over me.

¬ I’ve learned fears are irrational.  They have nothing to do with facts.

¬ I’ve learned it’s absolutely awesome to face the fears head on and start to conquer them.

¬ I’ve learned I can lean on my best friend, my husband for support – both physically and emotionally – if I let him be that support.

¬ I’ve learned my husband has his own insecurities, I have mine.

¬ I’m learning the power of forgiving others.

¬ I’ve experienced God’s grace and mercy when I was finally able to forgive those who have wounded me deeply.

¬ I’ve learned that we can only show God’s grace and mercy to others once we have experienced it ourselves.

¬ I’ve learned that once we experience God’s grace and mercy, it flows through us freely.

¬ I’ve learned that I cannot expect grace and mercy from people who have never experienced it.

¬ I’ve learned not only to identify my supports but to rely on them in times of crisis

¬ I’ve learned to take the time to enjoy moments of companionship with people I love watching the moonlight dancing on the water, hearing the call of the loons, seeing rain ripple on the water standing snug and dry under a huge tree …

¬ I’ve learned to take a step back when thoughts of anger and rage assail me and look at things more    objectively.    

I'm sure that if I were able to update this list now, there would be more to add.

However, I'm still in a state of flux, a state of recovery.  Not any two days in a row are the same.  Each has different trials, different joys - and, hopefully, different growth.

I'm not the same as you.  You're not the same as me.  Our growth and recovery will be different in the specifics - but yet there should be some commonalities.  The commonality of people dealing with the phenomenon of trauma, complex PTSD, recovery from workplace abuse in whatever form it took with each individual.  And, unfortunately, coping with a reality which is not widely understood by those around us.

And so, I leave you, dear reader, today with these thoughts:

Recovery.Is.Possible.     

You.Are.Not.Hopeless.    (Nor.Are.You.Helpless.)

You.Are.A.Person.In.Process.

Celebrate.Yourself.

The Reality of Psychological Trauma and Complex PTSD

Trauma is hard for me to write about.  Why?  I'm not really sure.  (For an excellent read on psychological trauma, please click on the link.)

Trauma appears to be a term that is widely used, but just as widely misunderstood.

Rather than being a diagnosed illness, it is more of a concept for most people.  Even, and perhaps especially, those of us caught in its throes - and the people closest to us who are walking - and hurting - alongside us.

Even among professionals, there are differences of opinion.  For some professionals, a person can only be suffering from PTSD if they've had a life-threatening experience.  Which would mean that the young child who at five had a six year old try to strangle her is definitely a potential candidate for PTSD.  But would also mean that the adult who has been continually isolated and excluded in the workplace is not.

By the same token, the person who was consistently emotionally and psychologically battered by verbal abuse in the home, the workplace, the church, the neighbourhood, wherever, is not a candidate for PTSD according to those who define psychiatric disorders in the DSM: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

However, there is an increasing amount of literature on the net about psychological trauma.  About something calledcomplex PTSD which is not in the psychiatric bible, the DSM.

Yet, whether it is recognized by professionals or not, psychological trauma and complex PTSD caused by repeated non-life threatening occurrences such as repeated molestation, angry outbursts by parents or significant others, bullying at school or at work, etc. is real.  At least to people like me.  People who have gone life a lifetime of these experiences.

Even with those traumas which are recognized as such, i.e. death in the family, car wreck, fire, etc., I've heard people after after a few weeks use those infamous words:  "Let it go."

Many people incorrectly assume that there is a time limit to grieving or to healing after a traumatic event.

Many people also, just as incorrectly, assume that all the victim (or survivor) needs to do is "just let it go."

I heard that phrase so many times, times too numerous to count, in the initial days, weeks and months post the first abusive workplace situation.

In those days, I felt a compulsion to talk about what had happened.  Probably ad nauseum.  It was so fresh in my mind.  Even months later, it was continually before me.  When I went to bed at night, on waking in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning.  It was continually there.  Always there.  Never taking a break or a holiday.  More importantly, never letting me take a break or a holiday from the psychological ravages of workplace bullying.  Six weeks after the contract ended (or was I fired?), it still felt as fresh as if it had just happened the day before.

I felt compelled to talk about what had happened, but so often did not get the chance.  When I did, the person might listen for a short while and then, predictably, as I went on, their face would change.  I could see that they had had enough.  And then inevitably, I would hear the words:  "Just let it go."  And they would turn - and walk out of my life leaving me emotionally bleeding all over the floor.

It is hard to describe the impact those four words, spoken over and over again, by a variety of people, over an eighteen month period of time, had on me. 

But I will try.

First, I felt judged by these people.

I felt they were telling me that I had failed.  That there was something I could do, but was willfully refusing to.  That I was the author of my own confusion and tremendous hurt.

I felt alone.

After the pronouncement, these people would inevitably go back to their own worlds - and leave me along, hurting, in mine.  I realize now that I was trying to get people to recognize the deep hurt and walk with me on my journey.  But none of us realized it at that time.  I could not tell them in so many words that I needed someone - or ones - to walk with me through something none of us could understand.

I felt confused.

Not only did I have no understanding at that time of what had happened to me in the workplace and it's long-term affects on me, I had absolutely no clue as to how to heal.

I felt lost.

No one who said those four words, "just let it go", gave me a blueprint from point A to point B on how to accomplish that.  I had no clue how to just let it go.  However, I assumed that they did and that there was something obvious that I was missing.

And I tried.

You don't know how hard I tried.

During those eighteen months, and especially in that initial period post workplace abuse, I did everything I knew to do.  Everything that had worked in the past.

I prayed.

I tried to forgive the people involved.

I tried to move on with my life.

I even got a new job rather quickly.

I kept on with my life as I knew it.  Inviting people over for barbecues and bonfires.

I even went back to a counsellor that I had seen off and on for many years.

But nothing worked.

Nothing offered long-term relief from the pain.

The pain accumulated over time.  Never going away.  Multiplying as the days, weeks, months went on.  Never taking a holiday, a break.

If I only knew then what I know now.

I know I'm leaving you at the top of a cliff today, but I see no way around it.  It's time to close for now.  Tomorrow is another day on this journey of healing. 

Rest assured, tomorrow will come.  We will get through this.  We will survive.

"Storm Damage" Post Workplace Abuse

The damage that a storm, or any natural (or unnatural) event causes is instantaneous.  And visible.   Anyone can see it.  Depending on how violent or visible the event is, the  media pick it up and plaster pictures all over the print media, TV and the internet.

Our first reaction was exhilaration on experiencing the storm firsthand while driving through it and then later through seeing the damage firsthand.

On seeing our backyard for the first time after the storm, we were thankful that it was our neighbour's tree which had snapped and not ours.  We were secure in the knowledge that he would tend to it as soon as possible.  It was nothing more than an annoyance in our lives.  Nothing major.

We went out to survey the damage around the town which at first added further exhilaration.   Then as we saw more and more of the extent of the damage and began to perceive that restoring power was not going to be a quick fix, we began to comprehend the seriousness of the situation.  And the situation became just a little more major in our estimation - but still more on the annoyance level than anything else.  Still nothing really major.

We began to wonder:  just how long is this going to last?

Just how long are we going to be inconvenienced by this?

Just what measures should we take to live through this happening?

We got out the flashlights.  Note to self:  make sure that all flashlights are in an easy to locate location.  Another note to self:  make sure they are all working and that more batteries are stocked and stored nearby in that central location to make location easy.

We got out the radios.  Note to self:  Make sure to stock batteries for radios in that central location.  Also, make sure to note where said battery powered and hand cranked radios are located.

One of our immediate needs, more immediate than a light source, was food.  Without power and not having a gas stove, what were we going to do?  How extensive was the damage?

Not knowing, we made do with crackers, cheese, sandwiches and potato chips - which was a good decision since the power didn't come on until the next morning.

Again, we may not have been aware of everything at that time as in how long it was going to last, when would power be restored, etc., but because it was something natural, something more or less obvious, the situation we were dealing with and the steps needed to deal with the situation were fairly obvious.  And really, for the most part, it was more of an annoyance, a blip on the screen of life.

With abusive situations, the victim finds themselves dealing with unseen damage.  All the damage is internal.  Hidden inside the body - and mind.

The situation is not obvious.  Even to the victim of the abuse.  Many times, the victim is not aware that they went through the emotional equivalent of a severe storm and battering to their mind and body.

There are no overt trees or power lines down.

However, inside where the person truly lives, they are living in a chaotic mess.

Verbal assaults have totally destroyed their self esteem.  Stress and overwork have done a number on their energy levels and with resultant chemical imbalances in their bodies.

First there is the acute phase which can be a stress breakdown with stress symptoms such as stuttering, impaired cognitive abilities, making mistakes both at work and outside of work.  These are just a few of the symptoms I experienced in one or both of the abusive work situations I lived through.  Similar to when the physical storm I've described in our region first hit.

Next, usually months later, comes the chronic phase in which physical symptoms such as (in my case) extreme fatigue, lack of balance, inability to think or talk, etc.  start to manifest themselves.  Even long-term illnesses can crop up during this time because of the high levels of stress the victim has endured and how these high levels of stress have impacted the victim's body's ability to cope with life's demands heal itself.

Because of the nature of the beast - the beast of workplace abuse, that is - survivors cannot just make out a list of needs to fill like we did with the physical assault of the storm.

When I was walked out the door of that company that day in March 2005 and the door closed firmly behind me, I unknowingly started the trek through a minefield of trauma and PTSD.  Things I never in a million years ever dreamed would invade my world.

Not only did they invade my world due to the abusive workplace situation and its equally brutal end, but they made themselves quite a home in my life.

Never even bothering to introduce themselves.

What many people, even myself, perceived at that time as nothing more than an annoyance, a blip on the screen of my life, was something much more destruction.  More lasting.  More detrimental.

This is the beginning of a series going through the initial wasteland of emotions, untreated and undiagnosed trauma and PTSD which lasted eighteen months.

A period where confusion and hopelessness reigned.