My blog postings have been seesawing all over the place. Sometimes here; sometimes there. Then back again to here. Swinging all over the place. Seemingly with a mind of their own. No plan. No reason. Just from here to there and back again - or often someplace else entirely.
I'm supposed to be blogging about those 18 months of desolation after abusive workplace situation #1 and the beginning phases of recovery from a lifetime of situations.
Yet, here I am malingering over photos and tales of baptisms and other assorted wanderings.
I'll be getting into a very serious topic like the first abusive workplace situation, how it played out, the dynamics involved, etc. and then at a crucial moment I'll pull back. Unable - or unwilling - to move forward on that topic for a time. At least for a time. Often I have to literally force myself to go back to that time, that place and relive that experience in order to complete the series.
Worthwhile in the end. Very worthwhile. But difficult in the telling, the living.
When this abusive situation happened, I had no choice in the matter. Or rather I felt I had no choice in the matter. What were my choices really?
To leave or to stay.
To leave would have meant not fulfilling my contract which was important to me.
To leave would have meant validating their perceptions about my character.
To leave would have meant failure. To me.
It was not something I even thought about. Much.
Now I do have a choice - or rather choices in the matter.
I choose to grow, to recover, to do what I have to do in order to get past all of the crud. The stink, The defamation of character. The abuse.
And sometimes, or rather often times, I choose to pull back in order to let the mind rest a bit.
This seesawing also has a lot to do with the road I travel these road. A road that changes constantly. Scenery that changes. Emotions. Processing. Always processing.
Why? Because one of my main strengths, according to my counsellor, is my ability to problem-solve, to analyze.
It seems that my mind is always working on a piece of the puzzle.
Journeying through complex PTSD post workplace abuse is, to me, like trying to put a complicated jigsaw puzzle together - with pieces missing.
There are so many facets to this puzzle called "recovery".
Survival definitely is not only one of the first but is also on-going.
Finding ways to rebuild or reclaim my life in my current circumstances.
Dealing with the myriad assortment of disabilities or altered abilities incurred as a result of the stress of the workplace abuse.
Throw in recurring nightmares or vivid dreams which leave me feeling more unsettled and restless than when I went to bed the night before.
And there is more. Much more. I just can't think of them at this time.
And so, in this blog - as well as in my - life, I need times to regroup.
To enjoy and experience the "insignificant" things.
Sometimes I need to stop entirely and just let the mind rest for a few days.
That's what I have to do in order to survive. To ultimately recover.
So please, dear reader, bear with me as I stumble and blunder through this path which is sometimes blocked by obstacles I need to find a way around - or over - or through.
Bear with me on those occasions when the thoughts won't come. The fingers won't type. The blog is silent.
Bear with me as I take detours into lighter topics.
Because after all, it's all part and parcel of recovery.
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