The Importance of Milestones on the Journey of Recovery Post Workplace Abuse

From the beginning of my journey towards recovery post workplace abuse, I've used milestones to look back from and see how far I've come in the journey.  Similar to someone hiking up a mountain who looks back to see how high he's come so far.  The milestones have changed with the years as circumstances have changed, as the journey has taken unexpected twists and turns.

Lately, I've been using my birthdays as a milestone.  Where was I on the journey last year?  Where am I now?  What has changed - for the better ... or ... for the worse?

Looking back, we can see more clearly not only where we once were, but how far we have come in the journey.

Take last Saturday, for example.  It was a significant day for me both in my life journey and in my journey post workplace abuse.  My 65th birthday.  I was determined to make it a celebration - not just of life but of recovery.  The six people in this world who are the closest to me i.e. hubby, daughter, son-in-love and the three grands, came with me to celebrate.  They valued me enough to spend an entire day with me travelling to Toronto and from there to the CN Tower.  Up and back down.  With three kids.  And an hour wait in line.  With one person, besides me, not height friendly either.

It was a milestone for me on the journey of recovery in many ways.  I've mentioned that in what I now call Phase 1 of the recovery process (from workplace abuse situation #1 up to where the bullying in situation #2 became aggressive), I was working on many things:  relationship, fears, etc.  Specifically one of the fears that had paralyzed me prior was my dual fears of heights and elevators.

Last Saturday, I chose to celebrate my 65th birthday by continuing to conquer my fears.  I went to the CN Tower in Toronto.

Birds eye view of the CN Tower.  It's a long way up, folks.  On a glassed-in elevator.

It was also a day of firsts.  My first subway ride on the TTC.  The only other time I'd ridden a subway was in 1971 in Paris, France - which being more than 40 years ago, I don't think should count.

Union Station.  I'd only been in there once before to pick someone up on the VIA rail and had never seen this part of it.  Let me tell you, folks, Union Station in Toronto is HUGE.  If I had not had my daughter and her family with me, I would probably still be there....  Lost somewhere in the hugeness and corridors of the building.

I'd never been on foot at street level before in Toronto.  Well, okay once, the same time we picked someone up at Union Station.  We walked from the parking lot to Union Station and back again.  So I figure just like that long ago subway ride in France that that doesn't really count. 

I felt like a little kid in a candy store.  Only that candy store for me was all the incredible architecture, street scenes, statues, etc.  All the photo opportunities just waiting for me and my camera.

Since Union Station is only a few blocks from the CN Tower, the tower dominates the landscape.  It would be very hard to miss.

I was mesmerized by the scenes at foot level.  The tall, glass-fronted buildings.  The reflections in them.  The building going on.  And the green spaces.  For such a huge cosmopolitan city, the capital city of the province of Ontario, it has a lot of green spaces.  I could have stayed there for hours just walking around in that area.

Oddly enough, I didn't feel fear or anxiety looking up at the observation deck of the tower.  I felt commitment.  Purpose.  Exhilaration, as well.  I was a woman on a mission.

We had an hour long wait for the elevator.  And again, I didn't feel fear.  Not until we were next in line to get in the elevator ... and the doors ... opened.

Is it too late to get off?  My initial reaction as we started to up ... and up ... and up....  I confess I wanted the elevator to reverse and go back down.  I wanted OFF.  But by that time I was what they say committed.  Too late to back out now.

I started to feel much calmer as we rode up.  The elevator is so fast, it only takes about a minute.  The doors opened at the Observation Deck and I felt proud.  I had confronted my fears ... and still alive to tell - and photograph - it.

As I looked down, I felt like Super Woman - without the cape.

The next challenge was the infamous glass floor.  I was determined to experience this day, this milestone to the fullest.

I was determined to be able to say:  I came, I saw, I conquered.

I must say though that looking at the glass floor up close and personal was an anxiety producing sight.  UNTIL a kind man who also had height problems told me to look up not down at first when getting on.  So I looked up, holding someone's hand. I think it was one of the people I came with and not a strange.  At least, I hope so.

It worked.  I was on the floor.  Looking down.

The man was right.  Once on the floor, it wasn't nearly as bad.  It was only the thought of going on it that was so frightening.  So true in life sometimes, eh?

A foot picture just to prove I really did do it.

Going down was anticlimactic.  My biggest emotion was that I was sorry to see the experience end and the day wind down.

Approaching the Skywalk which would take us back to Union Station.

Another first, the skywalk which is simply a corridor from one place to another.  Not scary at all.  In fact a lot of fun as there were all these windows I could look through - and take pictures through.  I was not seeing a piece of Toronto from a slightly elevated point of view.  A different perspective.

Even though we'd just been down there a few hours prior, everything looked different from this view, this perspective.

Of course, there are views from this pathway that you really don't see at street level.  You cannot see from street level.  Like the tracks below for the GO trains, etc., leading out of Union Station.

And then there's the glass-domed roof as we leave the Skyway and start heading into Union Station itself.

The trip ended as it had begun with a subway ride back to where we had left our car.

Tired but happy.  Another milestone on the journey reached.  Another piece of recovery achieved.

Would these things have happened if I had not been forced on the journey of workplace abuse and recovery from?  Somehow, I doubt it.  I think my life would have gone on much as it was.

Working on the road to recovery is hard work.  I don't deny it. But it is good.  Very good.

Until tomorrow ....

Post Workplace Abuse: Everyday victories on the road to recovery

Today.  Friday, the 20th of June, 2014.  The day before the summer solstice.  I wake up tired.  Not really wanting to face the day.

Or write another blog.  My fifth consecutive this week.  Another small victory in my journey post trauma, post workplace abuse, post PTSD.

But let's sidestep that for the moment.

As my mind slowly - and rather unwillingly I might add - came to consciousness today, I was thinking of this past week.  Of the small things which most people take for granted.   Which are no big deal for them.

The dailyness.

So today, I decided to write about the everyday victories.  The ones that most people take for granted.

This week, I made a meal every day.  I was able to think, plan and prepare an evening meal every day this week.

What!?! you might think.  I do this every day.  I don't consider it a victory.

But look at it for a moment - or at least for the duration of this blog post - from a completely different perspective.

For those of us working through the devastation, the aftermath of trauma - which workplace abuse is - even being able to do simple everyday activities is a struggle.

Many years ago, during the reign of Ho Chi Ming in China, I read an article by a journalist who was enthusiastically being shown how great the Chinese leader was and how much life had been improved during his leadership by a group of villagers.  They proudly showed this journalist their hospital.  The journalist was appalled as it was very rudimentary and he commented, if this is after what was before?

If this is after in my life, what was before?

If being able to cook dinner every day for five consecutive days is a victory, a success after workplace abuse, after trauma, what was during?

If being able to write a blog for five consecutive days is after.  What was during?

So today I concentrate on and share with you the daily victories that have occurred this week.  The things that make life good on a daily basis.

I made a loaf of bread in my breadmaker this week.  Not a usual occurrence any more because I have to look through my recipe books and choose a recipe which I have the ingredients on hand for. Next,  I have to go to our storage room in the basement and lug up the breadmaker.  I also have to lug up the flour from same storage room.  All of these things take thought.  Cognitive skills.  To be able to read and follow the recipe.  To lay out the ingredients.

Throw in a dash - or more - of lagging energy into the mix and you have a general idea of the uphill battle (literally in the form of the basement stairs) this one small activity involves.

Inhaling the yeasty small of the bread as it rose, made me feel like a David who had just conquered his Goliath.

I went to the Farmers Market yesterday with hubby, even though my energy levels were still very low after the Writers Conference last weekend.  I went with a purpose - to buy vegetables to make salads for us.

I also went with the purpose to continue taking control of my life by doing things I used to do on a regular weekly basis and thought nothing about.  And what better way to do this then to go to the market and mingle with the vendors - and other assorted people who are there.  This is taxing for me as as the season progresses, the crowds multiply.  Especially in the indoors market.  I have to closely monitor my "inside" feelings i.e. anxiety, hypervigilence.  Sometimes, I have to tell myself that it's OK.  These are simply people.  They don't know me.  They're not going to hurt me - at least not intentionally.  I have to do with all sorts of emotions and reactions, that I never had to deal with pre workplace abuse.  It is both taxing and tiring.  But again, after all is said and done, I feel like I have conquered another giant in my life.

My garden.  Or rather what I call "Mom's garden" - the one I'm creating in her memory as she loved flowers and taught me everything I know.  Literally.  In more ways than one.

No, I didn't have the energy to get out the old Japanese Farmer's knife this week  and tackle the weeds, but I did take daily walks to the very back of the yard - over 200 feet and counting - and let the beauty of the newly blooming flowers sink in and create peace in my soul.

I got out my knitting needles - the double pointed ones at that! - and knit - count 'em ... one ... two .... three ... four! - yes four coffee cozies which I hope to be the basis for upcoming craft tables in the fall.

You might wonder what the victory is in that since I knit and/or crochet - or both - routinely as part of my right brain therapy.

What you don't know is that there are not only days - but periods of time - when I'm so sunk in lethargy that I cannot think ahead to choose a project.  Nothing excites me.  The hands, the needles, the yarn.  They all lie idle.  Even recently.  To create, to have a purpose in that creation ... that is another victory.

These and more - things you can't catch in the lens of the camera - all make up the seemingly small, every day victories that made up this week.

And, as I push the button to publish this post, another everyday, seemingly small, victory occurs.  That of another post.

I am content.

Life ... while not perfect ... is good.

Note:  I don't post on the weekends.  Even - and perhaps especially - with all the victories happening in my life, I need rest.  Downtime to stop doing and just be.

See you on Monday with more of the story.

Write Canada 2014: An adventure on the road to recovery from Workplace Abuse

Write Canada 2014.

I cane.  I saw.  I stayed.

I pushed my limits ... and had a whale of a time.

I reconnected with people I'd met in 2013 ... and made new friends.

I took pictures ... and gave away home made gifts to those I had connected with last year and others I met this year.

I came with business cards listing my blog ... and handed them out unashamedly.

I told people unashamedly and boldly what my platform is:  workplace abuse.

I told my fellow writers and attendees about my blog.  I was not ashamed that I'm with all these people who have written books, published books and/or are editors and article writers.

I. Am. A. Blogger.  Maybe in the future I'll expand.  But for right now I. Am. A. Blogger. on the way to recovery.

I learned that I'm not exactly a Christian writer.  I'm a Christian who writes.  There's a difference.

I picked up some really good nuggets unexpectedly - including the one above.

I came away tired both mentally and physically.  OK, OK, let's make that exhausted as my bed and I have been best buds since I got home.  But hey! it's a good tired.  A good exhaustion.  Because it means that I did something challenging on the road to recovery.  Healing occurred.

I came away with hope.

Hope that I can build this blog into something more.

I came away with the realization that I not only have a story to tell but that it's everybody's story.

My story is the story of everyone who has gone through workplace abuse.  Yes, there are differences in the specifics, but there is a common thread between my story and your story.  Or the story of the loved one you are trying to navigate this journey with.

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We are all travellers on the same journey.  We just take different side trips and have different means of getting there.

Note:  This is not the blog I intended to write today.  That posting in its infancy ended up being cut and pasted onto a new blog.  I'm sure it will see the light of day sometime ... even probably sometime soon.  But for now, I wanted to reinforce the victory of this experience.  The positive.  Forget the prose.  Forget the background.  

Experience the present.

That is what I did this past weekend at Write Canada 2014.

See you tomorrow for more of the story.

Following Up: Victory on the Road to Recovery from Workplace AbuseThis si

The scene of the crime ... er ... I mean conference:  Guelph Bible Conference Centre.  A gem hidden away smack dab in the middle of Guelph, Ontario.  Bordered on one side by Waterloo Street and on the other three sides by houses.

A small oasis of peace in the busyness of the city of Guelph.

When you're there, you feel like you're sheltered.  Like the world doesn't exist.  Like the big, bad world is way, far away and cannot come in.

Or at least it felt like that to me.

A pilgrim on the road to recovery.

Funny, I should word it that way.  On the road to recovery.  Instead of "on the road to a writing career".  After all, that is what the conference is all about:  writing.  

Not recovery.

But for me, overcoming my fears, getting out in public, facing the big, bad, wide world alone.  That is the intention - at least for now.  That is the victory.

The writing will come, I believe.  Once the recovery comes.

The first thing I saw when I wandered around the book store set up in the gym of the facility, was this bowl.  Welcome Friends.  I felt a warm fuzzy seeing it.  I felt welcomed.  I felt like I was among friends.  Old friends.

In my last blog, I wrote about my first writers conference in 2013 where I went with my niece.

This year, I felt well enough to try it alone.  To go out into the big, bad world by myself.

Yes, I did have a plan A, B and C.

Plan A:  to go to all the workshops, continuing classes, meals, etc. and live life as a "normal" person.

Plan B:  to hide in my room and take a nap or naps if necessary.  (I even brought a small knitting project along just in case it became necessary to hide behind my right brain therapy.)

Plan C:  to call hubby and get the hell out of dodge if it just became too overwhelming and the affects such as stuttering, extreme fatigue, inability to speak, lack of balance, shortness of breath, etc. started to rear their ugly heads.

I am pleased to announce that I kept with Plan A.

Yes!

I made it to each and every workshop and continuing class.  I even spoke up a few times in class.  And I didn't have to resort to right brain therapy.  Not even once.

I felt safe.

This cornerstone on the building which houses the chapel at the GBCG, says it all.

I know this posting is short, but here is where I will end for today.

Why?

For one, my mind is still busy processing all the stimuli from three busy, packed days.

For two, I'm tired.  Victories are great, but even super women get tired ... sometimes ... and need to rest and refresh.

For three, I'm peopled and socialized out.  Time to regroup for a few short hours.

So tomorrow, I will (probably) continue with this amazing victory on the road to recovery.

Until then ....

A Victory Blog - in Pictures

This is a blog in pictures - with a few captions.  I'm a visual person.  I think, I see, I feel, I communicate in pictures.  Here is my victory....

Enjoy.

The location.

A house converted into an amazing yarn shop - with perhaps the best selection locally

Knitting in public.  Semi.  Sort of.  We were outside in the parking lot which runs alongside and behind the shop.  Cloistered away from the bad big world.  Creating - at least for a few hours - a (safe) world of our own.  Inhabited by the best people on the face of this earth:  knitters (and those who love them anyway)

I won a mug!  My very own momento to remember this victory.
Karin, the proprietor, hiding behind the mug.
I love this woman's hair!

Kate Atherley
Designer.  Her patterns are featured on Ravelry
http://www.ravelry.com/designers/kate-atherley
Knitting instructor

Super Kate!
The theme of the day was super heroes.
So here is Kate wearing her special super hero cape.

This shawl is one of Kate's designs called the Waverley Shawl.  It is asymmetrical.
I got Kate to show me how to wear it.

Another way to wear it wrapped around the head with the hood of your parka over it to keep your head warm on cold, Canadian winter nights.

The yarn dying demonstration by Indigo Dragonfly - creators of hand dyed yarns.
Held behind the shop, these artistes, demonstrated how they dye their yarns.

The Artistes at work doing what they love best - creating color ways with dye.

Cardinal Ruby in the making.  A blend of reds with a touch of black

The girls from the Breast Cancer support fund.

The resident (and friendly) photographer for the day.

Beth Graham
In charge of the Super Hero name generator booth
For the magnificent sum of a toonie, we were able to generate a superhero name for the day - complete with sticker on our nametag.
I was Amazing Superpurler.
Amazing - that's what my therapist always says I am.  She's said it so often, I'm beginning to believe her.
Super. That's cooler
Purler?  Well, there are only two stitches in knitting - so I'm told - knitting and purling.

Notice: how very (non) threatening - and friendly - all these people are.

A safe place.