In the beginning: Where the bullying started

Now that I've finally gotten around to the co-worker I'll call person #2, it's hard to know where to start.  What to say.  How to begin.

It was all so subtle at that time:  in the beginning.

I had no idea of the world of pain that I was going to experience for the next few years nor the amount of damage that was going to happen because of this person.  Because I was opting to move temporarily out of a bad situation with a co-worker I inadvertently ended up in a much worse situation.  Using an ole time-honoured cliche, I went from the frying pan to the fire.  But slowly, oh so slowly.

Before I go into more of the story, let me start with a couple of paragraphs from a resource I recently found on the web sight www.bullyon.org Introduction to the Serial Bully which describes in detail almost exactly what I went through in the office all those years ago,

Written by the Tim Field Foundation.

"Serial Bully" is a term that Tim Field coined to describe the character he came to realise was behind the majority of cases that came to his attention when he ran the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line between 1996 and 2004. His clients often described similar character traits, patterns of behaviour and events indicating that, in a given workplace, there was usually one person responsible for the bullying, for whom bullying was a modus operandi. He observed that when one target left the bully's environment, the bully would then focus their obnoxious behaviour on someone else; the new target would eventually leave and another would unwittingly take their place, hence the term "serial bully".

Although the above about the bully moving on to another target after the first one was removed would hold true in the case of person #1 in my scenario, it appears that with person #2 she simply chose a target shortly after changing jobs and coming into our office.  That target was me.

The article then goes on to say:

This is a bully who will move from one target to another, and whose depravity is only constrained by the realisation that they have to appear normal to fit in among civilised people. One consequence is that they rarely use physical violence on their targets, resorting instead to activities that are harder for onlookers to notice, such as emotional blackmail and underhand tactics to get their way.

To which I say:  Right on!

A serial bully could be anyone. They are attracted to positions of authority, but not everyone in authority is a serial bully, and not every serial bully is in a position of authority. They cannot be identified by their status, but by their actions.

Again, very descriptive of what I experienced in the workplace.  Both of the people I believe are serial bullies appear very normal, even likeable - especially at the beginning of the relationship.  Neither resulted to physical violence.  Their tactics were very much "under the radar".

Keep in mind that the excerpts I've quoted are only the very beginnings of the article.  The first page.  Tim Fields offers more, much more, insight into the phenomenon of serial bullying in later pages.  The who.  The what.  The where.  They why.  The how.

Of course, in the case of workplace bullying, the where is fairly self evidence:  it's in the workplace.

However, a serial bully can be anybody and can be any situation which involves people.

Here is an excerpt of some ramblings from my mind from the beginnings of a book which I've never been able to finish:

A physical description of the grown-up bully, would be a woman in her 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's with long, short, medium length blonde, brown, auburn or black hair – and anything in between.  She would be short, average height or tall, slim, average build or stocky and of average to high intelligence.  She has a high school, trade school (college in Canada) or university education.  In short, there is nothing to make her distinguishable from anyone else.  She does not have two heads, conspicuous warts, buck teeth or any other anomaly. 

Although the wording is completely differently, these thoughts penned in approximately 2010, bear a remarkable resemblance to what Tim Fields noted in the excerpts above.  There is nothing physical to set a serial bully apart from everyone else.  It is their actions, their tactics that should expose them.

I went on to say what I believed then, and still believe now, made these people what they are.

 What makes her (the bully) different from the average co-worker is not her physical appearance or description, but rather the baggage she's carrying inside her.  The insecurity.  The deep down emotional wounds and scars this person carries with her from way back, maybe even childhood.  These are the same insecurities and inner wounds that compelled her to bully as a pre-teen.  Unhealed and tended to, they are still there.  Motivating her to continue the cycle of passive violence.  Not only will the people around her not recognize these inner wounds, but most likely the bully herself is not even aware of what is causing her to behave in this way.  It's like the furniture in her bedroom.  It's part of the scenery.  It's part of her life. She may even say, “This is just the way, I am.”  She might even go further and say to the target, “I've learned one thing that you haven't.  You can't change people.  And this is just the way I am.”  Sad but true.  The target cannot change the bully, nor should she try.  It would be an exercise in futility.  Also a huge waste of time and energy.  The bully is in denial.  Denial about her bullying.  Denial about the pain inside of her that causes her to lash out at people she deems as weaker than herself.  Denial about the seriousness of her actions.  Even denial about her own part in the on-going workplace drama.  In her eyes, there is nothing wrong or abnormal about what she is doing.  Since she feels that she is doing nothing wrong, she feels further wounded and victimized if the target brings the behaviour up to management.

Although the paragraph above, written by me years ago while I was still struggling with being actively bullied in the workplace is written compassionately, much more compassionately than the writings of the Tim Field Foundation, it contains a stark truth which is later revealed in the articles I've accessed:  the bully is in denial.  Completely denial of what she is doing, of what the impacts on the other person are, etc.

*******

Enough for today!  I've set the stage regarding pieces of information, facts if you will, about the serial bully before continuing on to more of the story regarding the presence of person #2 in the office. 

Until tomorrow....

         

Surviving Workplace Bullying: More of the story - the second possible serial bully

It's amazing how many things I can think to write about, the words freely flowing from my brain, when I'm otherwise occupied.  On the bus.  In the workplace.  Knitting.  Oh! My mind does some of it's best work when my hands are occupied with needles and yarn.  Too bad I can't plug a USB port from my mind into my computer so I can both at the same time.  Sigh.

Yet when it comes to looking at that blank page, my mind freezes.  Stops entirely.  All the creative juices totally halted.

My mind has been occupied lately not so much with what I experienced in the workplace as the research I just uncovered this week regarding serial bullying.  I always suspected that I had been targeted by serial bullies but could never prove it.  Part of the reason is that the only way it can be proven that a person is a serial bully is by discovering the patterns.  Another part of the problem was that if I did try to speak up, I was constantly dismissed by being told that these were just my "perceptions" and "assumptions" and, therefore, had no validity (the lie I've written about in earlier posts).

In addition, I felt based on my experience in the workplace that those "investigating" the problem were too closely involved and allied with those whom I have identified as serial bullies in the workplace.  Imagine how validated I now feel three plus years later when I see my "assumptions and perceptions" being corroborated when I read the following  section in the Bully Online article entitled "Behaviour of the Serial Bully" which web page I've also linked to an earlier post this week. (Emphasis on certain phrases are mine.)

Virtual Immunity from CorrectionSerial Bullying at work is unlikely to lead to an arrest or even disciplinary proceedings because their most common offences don't involve physical violence or are shrouded in doubt: The serial bully can explain away just about anything, and frequently blames others and distracts attention from the real issues. Few would have the patience to investigate as incisively as necessary. Finding someone with the courage and integrity to investigate impartially is even harder. Any investigator, whether an internal employee or director, or an external investigator, may well fear of adverse consequences from upholding a complaint about a serial bully, the potential consequences being personal (e.g. damage to their own career prospects, not being paid etc.) and corporate (e.g. identifying evidence of actions for which the organisation is vicariously liable).
The writer has studied the results of several investigations into alleged bullying, conducted by internal and external "investigators". Only one was objective and thorough. Of the remainder, the best was superficial in the extreme, with the worst ones obviously intended to destroy the complainants' reputations. Only the objective investigation correctly identified the root of the problem.
One possible explanation for investigators and fellow managers being so easily manipulated by a serial bully appears in a research paper by Clive R Boddy, entitled "Corporate Psychopaths, Bullying and Unfair Supervision in the Workplace" (2011):

"The cold-heartedness and manipulativeness of the psychopath are reported to be the traits that are the least discernable to others and this allows them to gain other people’s confidence and facilitates their entry into positions where they can gain most benefit for themselves and do harm to others (Mahaffey and Marcus, 2006)."

Did you notice how in the last quote, these authors, Mahaffey and Marcus 2006, identified serial bullies as psychopaths?

Scary, isn't it?

Did you also noticed how the "serial bully can explain away anything"?  Which I take to include being how one person could go through approximately six people in an approximately two year period of time.  Not to mention how many people had come and gone in that position previously.

These are all things I've learned in the process.  Things I didn't know then.  If I had, I might have done things differently.  A lot differently.

Also, if I'd been as far along on the path of recovery as I am now, I would have had more strength to do things differently especially with the knowledge I have now.  I wouldn't have put up with all the garbage.  I wouldn't have taken it on myself to make things better by myself.  I would have realized that it takes two and that if the others weren't willing, then trying to make things better by myself was simply an exercise in futility.

As it was, at the point all this started in the fall of 2006, I was in the very beginnings of what would turn out to be an amazing journey on the road to recovery.

At that point, I was still "scared of my own shadow", eager to please, easily intimidated, avoided confrontation like the plague, etc.  I realize now that part of my dysfunction was that I had been raised from early childhood to be a co-dependent, and that tendency was to play a major role in the scenario unfolding in the workplace.

If I had been the person I am now combined with the knowledge I have now, especially that at least one person was a serial bully and there appears to be a relationship between serial bullies and psychopathy, I would (or should) have realized that I was in a situation where winning was not possible.  The best thing I could have done for me would have been to quit at the very beginnings of the situation.

But I didn't know that then.  The literature I've read says that because bullying at it's beginnings is very subtle and virtually unrecognizable to anyone, including the target, it takes approximately two years for the target to realize that he/she is being bullied.  That was me.  It was almost exactly two years from the instigation until I realized that I was being bullied.  And even then, I was resistant to the concept.  It was only the research on the net that opened my eyes.

If you think there is any possibility that you are being bullied in the workplace, I urge you to do a google search and start looking at what it says.  Research carefully, though.  Look for multiple articles by multiple people to back up your "perceptions and assumptions".  And if you do choose to go to HR with your findings, back up your position with hard copies of the research and make sure you leave them with the HR representative.  It's much harder to dismiss hard copies of written research then it is to dismiss thoughts or concepts conveyed verbally.

*******

This isn't really where I intended to go today.  Frankly I admit I am procrastinating about going into the situation with the person whom I will simply call "person #2 who I believe may also be a serial bully.

However, I felt it was time to interject some of the research here so we - you, the reader, and I, the writer, - have some common basis for what I'll be writing about in the future.

In the workplace, I realized that none of us were in the same book store, let alone the same book.  The same page?  Forget that concept entirely.

In order to even have a hope of understanding the complexity of workplace bullying, we need to be as close to the same page as possible.  Being in the same book helps.  

Until Monday....

Surviving Workplace Bullying: A serial bully in action

Things look different the farther away we get from a situation.  Hindsight gives us the chance to look back on an incident or an experience from a different perspective.  This is what I'm doing in today's post looking back on the difficulties the co-worker I believe was serial bully #1 had in retaining a partner.

*******

As the two articles I accessed via a google search using the words serial bullying yesterday lined up almost as a perfect match to what I experienced in the workplace, the twin temptations are to start regurgitating the material word for word and/or go off on a new train detailing exactly what serial bullying is linking it to incidents that happened in my workplace rather than telling my story without embellishment.

I had started on a series of telling my story regarding the various aspects of bullying.  That I do believe that it started with a serial bully and and then progressed to pairing.  And that there was  an element of vicarious bullying in the mix before my experience finally culminated in the aspect of bullying called mobbing.

Rather than veering off into exposing the research of what serial bullying, what it is, etc., I've decided for the moment to focus on my own experience with the bullies whom I encountered in the workplace and who I believe exhibit the phenomena called serial bullying.

I've already introduced the first co-worker, the one who started the ball rolling.

I had intended by this time to go on to the second person.  However, before I move on, I want to delve just a little deeper into the pattern history of person #1.  You see, it's the pattern that defines whether a person is a serial bully or not.  It's not just one incident taken out of context, but many incidents throughout this person's work history that will either prove or disprove if this employee fits the criterion of being a serial bully.

I believe this particular co-worker does.

Basically, a serial bully is a person who targets one person, gets them fired - or whatever - and then moves on to someone else.  Ad nausea.

So let's look into person #1 just a little bit deeper.

When I first started at that workplace, person #1 worked in tandem with a lovely young lady, always smiling, who was pregnant.  She left for maternity leave but never came back as she had found another job before her mat leave ended.  This sounds plausible enough.  However, in our company, the wages, perks, benefits, etc. were pretty good.  Much better than many other employers for the same types of job.  People just didn't leave for no good reason.  Generally speaking, of course.

Another employee from my office jumped at the chance to get on a regular day shift; however, after a period of time, she brought a complaint to HR that that the person I've identified as person #1 made her feel small and belittled her.  After the complaint was made, she left suddenly on sick leave.  She never came back.

Eventually a replacement was found.  The posting was for a temporary position as the employee was still on sick leave and had not resigned as of yet.  Our job was to train the new employee first on our job so that she would get a better understanding of the dynamics involved when she got to her job.  There were personality issues with her from the git go.  She was in everyone's face.  When her time came to go back to the other office and be trained on her position and work with person #1, person #1 had a fit.  She hated this woman and everything about her from the beginning and complained bitterly about her.  Ironically, the new employee didn't last very long and suddenly disappeared from the scene.

The posting went up again and another employee from another department which was being moved out of town requiring a commute of approximately 45 minutes jumped at the chance to stay in our facility.  Again the posting was for a temporary position in hopes that the first employee would eventually be able to return to work.  Again, we trained her first before passing her on to serial bully #1.  There were some issues, but frankly no one is perfect.  She was hard working, loyal and reliable.  But person #1 disliked her.  A lot.  And made no bones about that to us.  After another fairly short period of time, a posting for a permanent position in our office came up and she jumped at the chance for a permanent position in our facility.  Thus leaving person #1 without a co-worker - again.

The posting went up again.  This time, a young man from the plant took the posting as he wanted to go from the plant where the product was made to an office job.  He lasted approximately two, maybe three, weeks and then suddenly disappeared.

It was at this point that I made my "fatal" mistake of saying what I thought was in jest:  "So he couldn't hack you either?

The comment she never forgave me for.  The comment that caused her to put her "I don't get angry, I get even" philosophy into action.

The comment that made me office enemy #1 to her and - eventually - to my entire office as well.

Somewhere in the time spectrum, the first employee did resign and the posting became permanent.  A lovely young lady came in.  At this point, I was off on night shift for something like four weeks learning a different job, so I had nothing to do with training her or getting to know her.

Looking back, I realize that since I was gone during what I now realized was a crucial period of change in our office with new employees coming in and old ones leaving, I had unwittingly allowed an environment where new dynamics friendships, alliances not only formed but flourished.

Alliances that were so strong that they could not be broken - and eventually progressed to the point of no return in my struggle to survive.

However, I struggled on for four long years.

The story, though, is not quite over yet.  This young woman seemed to work out well.  She worked the same shifts/hours as her co-worker.  She worked afternoons when her co-worker/mentor worked afternoons; days when she worked days.  They were kind of like the Bobsey Twins.  Always together.  Therefore, it was a bit of a surprise when after approximately a year, this young lady left to go back to school.

So the posting went up again.  This time, since it was now a permanent posting, the woman who had done it for a short time when it was temporary and had moved to a permanent posting within my office, the woman person #1 hated, applied for and got the posting for a second time.  Ironically, her hours stayed with normal business hours.  She never worked afternoons.  I think this may have been the reason why this lady lasted.  That and the fact that she had a thick hide.  She was still there when I left.

Looking at the pattern, we have six people who came and went, most of them within weeks or months after taking the posting, in a period of approximately one to two years.  Was person #1 just having a really bad run of luck with people who applied for and got the job?  Or was she a serial bully?

One can look at each of the co-workers who left.  One got another job.  One got sick and went on disability.  One left to go back to school.  These are plausible.  BUT ... there are so many of them.  One after the other.  And then, there are the two people we really can't account for as to why they suddenly disappeared off the radar screen.  We never heard from - or about - them again.  They just "disappeared".

 Until tomorrow ....

Surviving Workplace Abuse: Serial Bullying in the Workplace - an overview

It seems like one train of thought leads into another; one blog posting leads into another - and sometimes into a series.

I find the word series here ironic as my postings, musings, recovery, etc. have led me to focus on exploring the various types of bullying I experienced in the workplace: the first of which was serial.  Or rather, a series of people being bullied one after the other by one co-worker.

Beginning a new post is always difficult for me.  My eyes stare at a blank page on the computer screen.  My mind has an idea of what I want to say in the body of the post.  But how to get started?  How to begin the topic?

So, I decided to look up the word "serial" on the net to get a definition.  Instead, I actually found resources on the net specifically about serial bullying in the workplace by Tim Fields who started Bullyonline:  one of the best resources I've found on workplace bullying.  In particular, two articles gained my attention which comprehensively describe aspects of serial bullying.  Articles which all too accurately described what I experienced in that workplace but had not realized were part and parcel of the phenomenon called serial bullying.   Unfortunately, these resources were not available to me at the time I was going through the bullying experience.  Although these resources may have been accessible via the net.  However, my mind processes things slowly and until this morning when I went to start this blog posting on serial bullying and how it affected me in the workplace, I never thought to key in that particular search term.

This highlights some of the difficulties a person who is being targeted for bullying in the workplace experiences while they are going through it.  Lack of awareness of what they're experiencing.  Lack of support. And lack of people who have been through workplace bullying to guide us through the experience.  If others have been bullied in that particular workplace, they are probably long gone by the time you are experiencing it.  Also, many people who have been bullied in the workplace don't talk about it - ever.  Sometimes even to those closest to them.

We are led to believe that what happened to us is all our fault.  That somehow we caused these people - or this person - in the workplace to have something against us.  That we are the instigator of the problem.  Because of that, when we do leave no matter how we get out or what condition we're in when we get out, we tend to stay in seclusion and lick our wounds in private.

We don't want others to know.  Heck!  We don't even want to admit the truth of the horrendous experience to others.  If we could live in a world of denial, we would.

If I could live in a world of denial, perhaps I would too.  However, with all the damage done.  with all the affects I've struggled with for the past three plus years - and still continue to struggle with - I don't have that luxury.

Which is probably why I seem to be the exception to the rule.   Why I strongly feel that it is important to get workplace bullying out of the "closet" and into the open.

It is real.

It is very damaging.  Sometimes to the point of death by suicide.

It is preventable IF those in positions of authority will acknowledge it, research it and implement policies and procedures to identify bullying in the workplace and to deal with it.

It is not the victim's i.e. target's fault.  The target/victim is not responsible for those who have selected them.  And there is nothing the target can do to stop the bullying.

... if I knew then what I know now ....

*******

Back to Tim Fields:  the first significant resources I found this morning is an introduction to serial bullying; the second describes the serial bully's attitudes towards life and work.

Both are excellent resources for someone who is being bullied. and who thinks that maybe they're in the clutches of a serial bully.  They are also great resources for those who have a friend or relative who is being bullied - or may be being bullied - in the workplace and for those in management and HR positions within the company.

If I did nothing else but post the links to these two articles - which I have, I would feel that my purpose is done for today.

So today I do something I haven't done before.  I stop here and ask you, the reader, to link onto those two resources and read what Tim Fields has written.  Familiarize yourself with what serial bullying is.  How it works.  The reasons why the serial bully succeeds.

Keep in mind as you read that Tim Fields' scenario is talking about one serial bully in the workplace while I have discerned two possibly three in my workplace.

... if I knew then what I've found out today reading Tim Fields' articles, I would print them off my computer and put them on the desk of my manager(s), HR and the union president.  I would also forward hard copies via mail, to those in higher positions within the corporation.

Read ... and weep.

Until tomorrow.

Surviving Workplace Abuse: Why I write about my experience in the workplace

A friend told me recently that she doesn't read my blog because she works hard to be positive and doesn't allow negativity in her life.

That simple statement, said as a fact not maliciously, not in a manner to hurt, gave me a lot to think about.

Am I a negative person?  Is that how my readers see me?  Or, rather, perceive me?

I've worked hard to be positive even when it didn't seem like there was much to be positive about.  Even when I spent more time completely down for the count on my bed than up and doing anything productive.  Even when the brain was so scrambled that it was hard to think, let another verbalize, a coherent thought.

I once told a close friend that there was always something to be thankful for.  Less than a week later, the bottom fell out of my little world and I faced renewed struggles with more trauma added onto what I already had experienced.  More injury.  More scrambling of the brain cells.  Etc.

Those words came back to sting me big time:  "there is always something to be thankful for".  I believe there is.  The problem is sometimes you have to dig pretty deeply to find it under all the maneur life throws at you.

I think the big thing here in this blog is not necessarily whether I'm negative, positive, a little bit of both, or even a realist.  The fact is that bullying is not a fun topic to talk about.  To write about.  Or to read about.

It's horrific.  Not in the same sense as a car accident, a bombing, or a shooter coming into a school or workplace and getting their revenge on real or perceived wrongs.  It's horrific in the impact it has one lives - one victim, usually, at a time.

Those of us who have either gone through it, are currently going through it or are walking with those who have gone through it, know that all too well.

Bullying in whatever form it takes - schoolyard or workplace - is never positive.  It's never a good thing to happen.  Plain and simple - it's wrong.  Very wrong.

My aim is not to depress people, but to raise awareness of workplace bullying.  That it's not a simple personality clash.  To educate people about it's reality.  What it is. What it does to people.  Why it's wrong.  And also to provide a basis for support and recovery for those who have or are going through it.  To let people know that recovery is possible.  That there is hope for a better tomorrow.  That their past may well affect certain aspects of their lives, but It. Does. Not. Determine. Their. Value. Or. Their. Future.

Workplace bullying is not vague.  It's complicated.  Very complicated.  And messy.

I'm guessing that each situation of workplace bullying is different depending on who is doing the bullying i.e. co-workers, management, etc.  It can be vertical.  Meaning one supervisor is bullying one employee.  It can also be vertical with an employee bullying a supervisor.  And then there's lateral bullying - which is what I experienced - with an employee targeting a co-worker.  How many people are involved.  Which form of bullying is it?  Serial, pairing, vicarious, mobbing?  Just to name a few. 

 In my case, the scenario got very messy and very complicated quickly because even at the outset I had more than one co-worker involved.  It started out with three co-workers.  Two in my office and one in another office.  I've already written about her in my last post.  I truly believe there was more than one form of bullying present in my situation.  I believe it started out with one or two serial bullies who paired together with each other and with another person who I believe specialized in vicarious bullying.  Later, as time and the situation progressed, more people - the bystanders - jumped on the bandwagon and joined the movement thus becoming mobbing.

For me it began with a three-headed bully.  It was hard, even at the onset, to separate the heads and determine the dynamics of these co-workers' relationship with each other.  I think it's safe to say that these people fed on each other.  Each one had hurts, each one appeared to feel that others were out to get them or hurt them (my perception based on observation and overheard conversations).  Somehow, these three found each other and formed a relationship both inside and outside the office.  They also found a common enemy:  me.

The Bible talks about a three stranded cord not being easily broken.  Three strands make the rope - or cord - strong.  Strong enough to withstand heavy duty pressure.  The strands intertwine with each other and cannot be easily separated or broken.  That is what my situation in the workplace was like.  Three strands.  Three heads.  Three bullies.  Together they became an unstoppable force.

In the end, I think what happened to me in the workplace was more about these people than it was about me.

*******

This is not the post I intended to write today.  Yes, I know you've heard that one before.  It seems to happen regularly.  I fully intended to continue on the story about the second co-worker I believe to be a serial bully but this concept about negativity derailed me a bit.  However, I've been thinking about how to simplify what happened to me in the workplace so that the reader can more easily understand the dynamics involved.

With three people involved in the beginning, it was already complicated.  And it got messier and more complicated as time progressed.

This one post alone contains a lot of fodder for more postings on the different forms bullying can take i.e. serial, pairing, vicarious, mobbing, etc.  These are the four that are relevant in my situation.

Until tomorrow....