The Cornerstone of Recovery from Workplace Bullying: Power and Control

Power and control is the cornerstone - both in the bullying episode and in the journey towards recovery.

Bullying is all about power and control.  In fact, it's been described as a form of workplace violence because it is about power and control.

Ironically, power and control is what both parties in the conflict want.  The target wants power and control over her own life, etc.  The bullies want power and control over other people specifically the target but also the workplace if possible.

I haven't written a blog posting on that part of it yet; however, I've touched on it a few times. At this point, it's way too personal and I've still got so many aspects of that part of the issue to sort out as I progress on the road to recovery ... to wholeness.

By the time I'd left the workplace, I was thoroughly cowed.  Nothing I tried worked.  Every time I followed the "correct course of action" as defined by research, therapy, etc., it turned out wrong.  The bullies turned it against me and others - HR, management, the union, the other employees - all blindly followed suit. (Note to self: perhaps write a future blog post on the necessity of all parties being on the "same" page.)

I felt powerless, faceless, voiceless.

Which is exactly where the bullies wanted me to be.

However, I'm out of there now.  I don't have to continue to be cowed by them - or by anyone else.

All victims need to find a way to regain the power that was seized from them and to find a way to express the voice that was silenced.

Therefore, a large part of my recovery process is regaining power and control over my present:  where I am now.  And that is especially evident in the recovery process.

I need to figure things out for myself - in my own time and in my own way.  My recovery works best when I am allowed to take control over it.  Those who have been faithfully supporting me have realized this.  That the best way they can help me is to support and encourage me - and give me the grace to figure things out for myself.

One of my encouragers long ago gave me the priceless "gift" of allowing me to be in control of the process.  It happened gradually when I day I was visiting her and asked her to simply read passages from the Bible to me.  Any would do.  I had no preference.  At that time, I couldn't read for myself, but I could hear - and hope that something sunk in.  I knew this person was perfect for this as she loves God, loves to read the Bible, and loves to share these things.  That was the beginning of what has become a profound relationship for (hopefully) both of us.  She started coming over every couple of weeks for a Bible "study" but she always let me have control of it.  If I wanted to talk, we talked. We walked together.  We prayed together.  We sang together.  We read pieces of her devotional together.  Whatever.  She let me call the shots.  And it worked.

The reason "traditional" therapy has worked so well for me is that my therapist has allowed me to take power and control over my healing.  She has listened to me.  Supported me.  Encouraged me.  Offered me insight when needed.  But she has never once told me that I have to do this or that.  She may have suggested a few things - especially as healing and our relationship progressed but she has never demanded anything.  She has always been gentle with me.  She has never once condemned me for what I've done or am doing or am thinking.

She has allowed me to take control of my recovery process.

The more I can do that, rely on my innate instincts and see them work, the more I am empowered for the next obstacle on the journey.

Years ago, when I was nearing the end of workplace bullying experience number 1, I tried something called Celebrate Recovery.  It turned out to be a disaster for me.

Why?

There was a rule, that if followed would have allowed me to continue, that when one member shared the others were to listen and not offer advice.  Unfortunately, the co-facilitator disregarded that rule in my instance.  What she said made sense to her.  It had worked for her.  But in my situation, it was not going to work.  Her advice was useless.  Worse.  It made me feel disrespected, devalued.  I no longer felt safe in the group and never returned.

Years later, I figured out why that rule was in place and should have been respected:  it empowers the person in recovery to have the power and control over their own situation.  You've probably heard the saying:  "if it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counselling; if either works, it's a miracle"?

That, in a nutshell, is the point I'm trying to make here.  In order for recovery, real recovery, to happen, it needs to come from inside.

Those well-intentioned people I've mentioned in earlier posts who listened for a short period of time and then pronounced their decision i.e. "let go" or "move on", and then walked away, did both of us a disservice.  It wasn't that letting go or moving on was not needed at some point in the recovery process.  It was that I wasn't ready for that ... at that time.  There were more important things for me to work on in the earliest stages of recovery:  re-connecting my relationship with God, re-learning how to pray; discovering what was wrong with my existing relationships - especially my family - and learning to value them; learning how to communicate effectively with my family.  So many things.  I can't remember all of them.  But each one, came from some part inside of me.  Each one has lasted all this time.  Because it came from inside me.

*******

This post has been a difficult one to write and has taken two days.  Which explains why there was no blog post yesterday.

If you're walking with someone who has been desperately hurt by bullying of any kind - work, school, in the neighbourhood, etc. - I urge you to gently help the person rediscover themselves and give them power and control over their recovery.

Each person works things out in their own way depending on their strengths, weaknesses, talents, personality type, etc.  No two people are the same.  Therefore, no one path is going to work for everyone.  There are similarities on the journey, Yes.  But there are also differences.

Recovery from trauma, PTSD, bullying is not - and never has been - a "one size fits all".

Until tomorrow....

Workplace Bullying/Abuse: Why confronting the bully and asking him/her to stop fails

Right: "The Old Man of Storr" on the Isle of Skye in Scotland

I started this post yesterday and was tending to focus solely on the aspect of isolation and exclusion in the workplace as one indicator of workplace bullying/abuse as this was the behaviour directed at me.  But, me being me, I decided to look up indications of workplace bullying on the net.  There is a wealth of information out there.  More than there was six years ago in 2009 when I first perceived that I might, maybe, perhaps being bullied in the workplace and found, to my chagrin, that I was right on.  I WAS being bullied.

Even then, though, there were still plenty of articles and resources to go to on the net ... for both the bullied worker and those in management and HR.  There have also been programs about workplace bullying on radio.  I am thinking specifically of CBC and their morning program "The Current".  I listened to some of their programs about bullying and suggested to my current manager that she listen to them too to get a broader understanding about workplace bullying, what it is, how it happened, etc.  I even had the URL links to give her to access the specific program I was thinking of. Her response:  "I wouldn't get the same things out of it that you do."  Sigh.

I think her response is true in one sense, but that it is also short-sighted in another.  As a manager, she's not going to see it the same way as I, the target sitting in the all-too-confining trenches, do.  BUT ....  But there is also the possibility that listening to these programs would give her a different viewpoint, a different perspective on workplace bullying.  For instance, that it is real.  That it is a real concern.  Some of the dynamics involved.  And that it might, perhaps, maybe be happening in her own office with employees under her.

One thing that really struck home in one of these programs was that often HR facilitates the bullying process by asking the target to ask the bully to stop the behaviour.  This might sound reasonable ... for a reasonable person that is.  But workplace bullying is not about being reasonable.  It's not about resolving the issue and backing off or changing.  It's about maintaining the status quo.  It's about power and control

For instance, my workplace asked me to respond to my aggressors with "When you ... I feel" each time something happened so that they would know that these behaviours were offensive to me.  Finally, I was given the direction to confront the individual(s) involved and ask them to stop the behaviour.

I learned the hard way from experience that this is the worst thing the target can do IF the bully is truly intending to target one employee.  If this behaviour is not intentional, then the individual involved will likely back off immediately.  However, if the behaviour is intentional, the worker will turn on the target ... and gain more power.

This is what happened to me in the workplace.  This was also verbalized in a "The Current" broadcast while I was still employed.  At least the part about it being the worst thing a target can do as bullying is about power and control, and the target will always lose another slice of control over the situation.

In my situation, when I confronted one of the people, alone in the office because I felt it would be very disrespectful to broach this issue in the open office, she turned on me.  She told me I was being very confrontational in that I kept telling her the "when you ... I feel" scenario.  She took that as confrontational because it was saying something negative about her behaviour.  Then she demanded that I stop being "confrontational" i.e. I stop saying anything not complimentary about her behaviour.  Being a non-confrontational person by nature, I was at a loss as how to respond, how to proceed.  I badly needed someone there to help me out - and there was no one.  I told her that I'd been told to do this.  She demanded to know by whom.  I refused to divulge that information as it had been HR, and I figured that was going to bring the confrontation to a whole new level.  Her eyes were expressionless.  Her tone, I felt, was threatening.  She said in what I consider a dark, threatening tone of voice, "That person better mind their own business."

I was shaking.  I was scared.  I perceived that if this individual felt that her job was threatened, she could get violent.    I admit it was a perception but it was based on the sensory data I was receiving at the time ... and also past experience.  As a university student, I'd had a former roommate come at me intent on  what?  strangling me?  I'll never know for sure; however, this I do know, she had found out that I'd revealed she was smoking pot in our dorm room.  I had inadvertently threatened her by revealing this.  I was in someone else's room and that person got the door shut and locked in time.  It was one of the most frightening incidents of my life.  You don't forget something like that - even more than 40 years later.

The intimation was clear - at least to me:  "Back off.  Now.  Or. I. Will. Get. Even. With. You. And. Those. Who. Support. You."

Yes, I admit this was my perception and my assumption.  However, it was based on the sensory data I was receiving at that time ... what I call a "dark" tone of voice, low, threatening; the words themselves that the person who was advising me had better mind their own business which I perceived by the tone of voice as being threatening.  The dead gaze.

I was shaking so badly from the encounter that I was unable to resume my work.  Have you ever tried to input numerical data onto a spreadsheet via keyboard that has to be 100% accurate, no margin for error when your fingers are shaking so badly they feel like they have a mind of their own?  Let me tell you from experience, it doesn't work.  After three tries, I finally gave up and had to ask the person coming in to take over my shift to do it for me.

From that moment on, not only did the behaviours continue on even stronger than before but I. Felt. Fear.  Constantly.  I could no longer perceive of my workplace as a safe place nor my co-workers as safe people.

Workers on top a water tower on South Padre Island, Texas - a barrier island in the Gulf of Mexico

And this, my dear reader, is just the pinnacle of the iceberg of workplace bullying/abuse.

Until tomorrow ....

My Key to Recovery post Workplace Abuse: Debunking the Myth ConcerningPerceptions and Assumptions

I cannot remember the first time I heard the phrase "perceptions and assumptions" from my supervisor's lips.  I only remember the impact.

The words were clearly enunciated.  The middle syllables on both words - cept on perceptions and sumpt on assumptions - were stressed with the p's and t's at the end of both syllables clearly enunciated.  To my psyche, the stressing and enunciating had the effect of a cell door clanging shut.

Which was probably the desired intent.

To demonstrate power and control.

To shut me down.

To render me powerless and defenceless.

If that was the intent, it worked.

Each encounter left me not only feeling bruised and battered emotionally and shut down, but also confused.

What was wrong with the thoughts I was expressing?  With the way my mind worked?

I was trying to present my case in a rational and logical way, and it was not working.

Why?

I clearly remember one occurrence.  (Remember this is only one incident out of a long series of related incidences.)  My supervisor had arranged a meeting with HR at the suggestion of her supervisor.  My "perception and assumption" of the meeting was that it was to see if we could move forward on the issue and bullying.

I spent hours writing a letter which I handed out to both my supervisor and the HR rep.

While we were engrossed in our meeting, the HR rep was listening.  My supervisor was busy reading.

What she read did not make her happy.

One incident I outlined in the letter was the behaviour of one of the major players in the situation.  My "perception and assumption" based on what I was witnessing in the workplace was that she was doing very little in the way of work - while I was busy working my head off.

This person would sit at her computer - when she sat at all - and go on the net, check out this and that, etc.  It became a cat and mouse game as I kept trying to see if she was actually doing any work.  With very little success, I might add.  If she was actually working, she kept it very well hidden.

I had brought up this lack of work activity to my supervisor many times as a major concern.  Her response?  Beside being that it was all about my "perceptions and assumptions" was that I was not to be noticing her at all - which according to my "perceptions and assumptions" is very difficult in a small office with no walls dividing work stations - and that we both had jobs to do and we were both doing them.  End of story.  End of conversation.

Really?  We're both doing our jobs to our supervisor's satisfaction?  When only one of us is doing any real work?

Now here is where a real assumption does come into play.

For my mind, it's not a hard jump to take what I've observed about my co-worker's work - or should I say non-work? - related activities, my supervisor's statement that we both had jobs to do and are doing them to the assumption:  If this is true, then her job is to do nothing work-related.  Followed closely by the thought:  "Where do I go to apply for such a position?"  I mean to show up, sit at the computer for eight hours and surf the net, text message my friends, talk to them on my ever present cell phone, plan my vacations and get paid for it? Hey! This sounds like a dream job (except I'd get bored too easy if I had nothing worthwhile to do).  I said as much in this written document.

My supervisor took issue to this and on her way out the door of the meeting room pronounced:  "Perceptions and Assumptions" before sashaying out.  She also said she wished that I had talked to her about this before I wrote it.  To which I responded:  "I have.  Many times."  There was no further response except to watch her backside swish as she went out the door.

The HR rep never followed up.  At least not to me.

The situation continued unresolved and unchanged for several more years.

Years in which the situation increasingly escalated.

I am working hard to keep this post focused on my key point (no pun intended) re: perceptions and assumptions, which it is not easy.

Workplace abuse aka bullying is very complicated.  For one, there are many different players involved from the bullies to the bystanders to those who should have known better i.e. HR, management and even the union.  It would be so easy to go off onto a tangent at any given point.  

In fact, writing this series is bringing up so many thoughts, memories, etc. that the only way I can focus on the this one key point is to write all the other intrusive thoughts down to give them their time, their opportunity to be heard later.

*******

Tomorrow, July 1st, is Canada Day.  For those of my readers who live in Canada, enjoy your National holiday to the fullest.