Post Workplace Bullying: "Moving On"

After yesterday's posting about moving on, I think I need to clarify a few things, because frankly I HATE that phrase ... passionately.  It ... and the twin phrase "letting go" ... raise my hackles and defences.

Early on, in between my two encounters with workplace bullying, when I was still very much stuck, hurting badly, not understanding what had happened to me and, more importantly, why, I would try to tell my story to others.  My story wouldn't let go of me.  I needed to talk, to verbalize about what had happened to me ... the unfairness, the injustice, etc.  I was trying desperately to make sense of something that didn't make sense.  That couldn't make sense.

I've learned since that what I was attempting to do is part of the recovery process.  According to my therapists, there are three components to the process of recovery from PTSD/Trauma:  telling the story, support, and justice.

At that point, for eighteen long months, I never got beyond the telling the story part.  Mostly because no one wanted to listen ... and listen ... and listen.  Ad nauseum.  In fact, most people only wanted to listen for about five minutes and then it was like 'time's up', you need to move on, let go, whatever.  Good bye.  I'm done.  I'm outta here.

Then they would leave, and we'd never talk again.

They totally didn't get it.

At that point, moving on or letting go were not options.  I wasn't there yet.

Some nine years after the first incident ended and three plus years after the second, I am just now getting to the place where internally I'm ready to "let go".  I still really have no clear idea of what they looks like or how to do it.  I just know that it's time to begin seriously looking into and attempting to apply the process.

Letting go is not forgiveness as I've been working on that concept since both incidents happened - with varying success.

Letting go appears to be something else entirely.

It's easier to apply if we have a clear concept of what something is and how to get there from here, but I confess I don't.

I can tell you the first time that this concept has come to me in recent weeks and that has been with the ongoing postie situation i.e. stoppage of home mail delivery.  We now have a community mailbox - which is better than nothing.  It means a forced lifestyle change though as I can no longer bend outside my front door and reach over to the mailbox to retrieve its contents.  I now how to fully equip myself and dress myself to get my mail:  socks, shoes, coat, hat, mitts, scarf and key.  Don't ever forget the key.

In one way, it has positive aspects as it forces me to go outside my house and take a short walk to the corner every day.  I get fresh air - whether I want it or not.  In other ways, it has negative aspects as I keep remembering why I am forced to do this.  Because in my mind, the postie is another person like one of the major bullies in my last experience who simply doesn't want to do her job.  Who is incompetent.  Etc.

Eventually, it came to me that I have to let go of my anger, my resentment, even my feelings about this woman I've never met - and have no desire to either.

In order to move on, I have to let go of all these negative feelings.  I have to force myself to realize that although I have taken this personally, it is not personal.  She doesn't know me - or the other residents.  It has nothing to do with me.  It is all about her.

This has not been easy as I do tend to personalize things.  Another thing I have to learn not to do.  Another part of the healing process.

No, it's not fair that one woman has all the power.  And no, it's still not easy as this person makes daily encursions into my neighbourhood five days a week to do her job.

But it's necessary.

I think this processing is what helped me to deal as quickly and as positively as I did with the bully on the bus situation.  To let go, move on, get on the bus again and have positive experiences.

The most important thing I want to convey on the twin topics of "letting go" and "moving on" is that it is necessary for the survivor to initiate the process.  Telling me too early that I "have" to do this - without giving me support and instructions - doesn't work.  A lot of the process of recovery has to do with power and control - which I expect is a topic for another posting sometime in the future.

I need to figure things out for myself - in my own time and in my own way.  My recovery works best when I am allowed to take control over it.  Those who have been faithfully supporting me have realized this.  That the best way they can help me is to support and encourage me - and give me the grace to figure things out for myself.

Those well-meaning folk who demanded I let go and move on too early, didn't realize that.  And, for that reason, they moved on and left me.  Subsequently, they're are not here to see the victories come.  They're not here to listen to the good stories.  To laugh with me.  They have no idea what they're missing out on.

Today, I stop here.

Until tomorrow....

Surviving Workplace Abuse: Moving On

I've written about a bad experience I had on a local bus recently in a posting entitled Workplace Abuse:  Learning through experiences on the road to recovery.  It was horrendous when it was happening.  Afterwards, I had strong mixed feelings.  Feelings mostly of guilt at first which slowly began to be overtaken by other, more positive feelings.  With the help of others, I began to see the experience in a different light.  I finally, for the first time, realized the impact of one lie I had internalized from both workplace bullying situations:  that being loud was wrong.  It made people "uncomfortable" and that was more important than anything else.  Believe me, I was loud on the bus that day and I'm sure the people around us felt uncomfortable.  However, I was feeling very uncomfortable as well.  In that seat.  With that man glaring at me, shoving me, judging me, condemning me.

I learned that day, that situations like that are not comfortable for anyone involved.  Neither the instigator, the target or the bystander.

That one experience has since become a pivotal experience on my road to recovery as I processed and analyzed the experience in the light of things I'm learning currently and have already learned on the journey.

For one thing, I realized that this was one experience in a life time of experiences.  One experience in a lifetime that spans six decades of riding buses.

This concept is from Jan Silvious's book Look at it This Way, which is a resource I've used on the road to recovery (and is included in my bibiography - another posting).

Silvious urges the reader to look at experiences - both good and bad - in a more realistic light:  the light that this is just one experience in a lifetime of experiences.  This one experience does not define our lives - or our value.  It does not define who we are.

While I am admittedly still struggling with applying and internalizing this concept to my experience in the workplace - especially the second workplace which lasted for four years, I am starting to realize how I can apply this concept to other, shorter incidents.  Like the one on the bus.

Taking one small step at a time on this path to fully recovery.

Concurrently, my therapist has told me that I have a tendency to personalize things that might not be meant personally - which gave me a lot to think about.  It's hard not to take the workplace incidents personally - as they were meant personally.

BUT....

But, the bus incident is in no way personal.  The man's behaviour in reality had nothing to do with me.  Who I am.  My value.  My worth.  He didn't know me.  I believe that his behaviour would have been the same for anyone in that seat - particularly if that person was a woman.  It does not define me.

Which makes this incident easier to look at from the light of being "one incident in a lifetime of experiences".

Another thing I realized almost immediately was the importance of not hibernating in my "safe" room.  That I needed to get up and go out again.  As soon as possible.  Two days after the incident, I got on the bus again - and have ridden it several times since then.

Nothing bad has happened.  In fact, I see the opposite occurring.

On one occasion, I got on a bus which was starting already to get crowded at the downtown terminal and slid into a window seat.  I put my purse beside me between the window and my body leaving the aisle seat open.  I felt a body slide into the seat beside me.  Not looking over, I moved my purse onto my lap and slid over.  Then I looked at the person, smiled, and said "this should give us more room".  It was an older man.  And yes, I did check.  No hearing aids.  It was not the same man as before.  He gave me the most beautiful smile.  Had I not gotten right back on the bus, had I let my fears metastasize and grow, had I not immediately endeavoured to let go and move on from that one bad experience. this heartwarming experience would not have happened.  I still smile thinking of it.

The same day, I got on a bus that was again already filling up at my transfer point.  There was some confusion as a person with a service dog was getting on in front of me and couldn't decide where to sit.  So I waited patiently.  A woman I assumed to be much older than myself was sitting there and I asked politely if I could sit beside her.  She gave me a warm smile and we started a conversation which lasted until her stop.  She had a rich Scottish accent. I thoroughly enjoyed just listening to the cadence of her speech.  Another good experience which would not have happened had I not decided to let go and move on.

Lastly, saving the best for last of course....

Last week, I was getting on the bus to go home.  I rarely notice who the driver is, but recently I've noticed I've had this one driver several times.  He started to automatically reach for a transfer, looked at me and then said: "You're going home, you don't need ones of these!" I asked him if he recognized me by my face, my colourful coat or my smile.  He bantered back, saying: "all three". Then he added for good measure, "You're always smiling." I had to ask him after that comment what he would do if on the rare occurrence I wasn't smiling. Quick as a wink he said: "Then I wouldn't recognize you."

I don't think I've laughed so hard in weeks.

It was a good experience.  Something positive.

Until tomorrow ....